More Honorable Mentions

Saturday, May 14, 2005; 12:05 AM

More Honorable Mentions from Week 606 of The Style Invitational, which asked readers to interpret stories from that week's Post in poetic form:

'Juror's Woes Began With a Purchase'

It happened in Old Town Manassas,

Where trouble like this seldom brews,

That a juror got into hot water

For recklessly reading the news.

It's no fun to sit on a jury;

The poor woman needed a break,

But one trip to 7-Eleven

Turned into a costly mistake.

She picked up The Washington Post there;

The Potomac News also she bought.

But this was expressly forbidden;

By videotape she was caught.

Now the judge has thrown out a conviction

(The defense had first sought a mistrial);

The juror may be facing charges

Of perjury for her denial.

So listen up, newspaper junkies,

A bit of advice, if you please:

To stay out of trouble, steer clear of that rag

The Potomac News like a disease.

(Submitted by Donald E. Graham, the big upstairs office)

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

'Manassas Husband's Conviction Quashed'

She bought a newspaper -- an innocent act.

The tape from the store clearly bore out that fact.

But what part of "no" did she not understand,

When the judge warned all news and newspapers were banned?

This juror must've thought she was exempt.

No wonder she's now being held in contempt.

(Jeff Covel, Arlington)

'Armstrong Retiring After Tour de France'

Mr. Armstrong's retiring. It's so long to Lance,

Who is surely deserving of rest. He's

A great hero for owning that ol' Tour de France

And for beating disease in his testes.

(Max Gutmann, Sunnyvale, Calif.)

'Pakistani President Visits India'

Musharraf went to India to meet with P.M. Singh,

To hold some friendly talks and watch some cricket.

They're trying to make nice, 'cause Kashmir's hanging by a string

So neither told the other where to stick it.

(Brendan Beary)

'Filmmaker Sydney Pollack, Doing What He Hates Best,'

in which the director talked about the misery of the moviemaking process:

Though he may not have enjoyed his

Work in film, director Sydney

Does admit he likes the outcome

And he did it well, now, dydney?

(Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

'Sole of the Sneakerhead,' about a collector of valuable athletic shoes :

I grow old, I grow old,

I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled,

So you can see my $500 Nike Dunk SBs.

(Mike Cisneros, Centreville)

' Supreme Court to Decide Whether Church Can Import Drug'

Hoasca tea: habitual?

Religious freedom, ritual?

Or quirky Albuquerque freaks?

They'll sip till the Supreme Court speaks.

With Bush they've struck a bitter chord,

Hallucinating for the Lord.

(Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

'Now on DVD: The Sanitizer's Cut'

Some people, while watching "Titanic,"

Get themselves in a virtual panic.

It's not death and destruction they fear,

But a glimpse of Kate Winslet's fine rear.

And when watching them save "Private Ryan,"

They don't mind if you show people dyin'.

But the director ignored rules of war

When he showed all that visceral gore.

What to do when it's not fit for eyes?

Count on CleanFlicks, for they'll sanitize.

(John Shea, Ardmore, Pa.)

Chess column, April 25

I'm sure chess players don't deserve their nerdy reputation,

But "White mates in three moves" is really too much information.

(Brendan Beary)

'For Some, Thumb Pain Is BlackBerry's Stain'

A hundred two e-mails a day

Sent from meetings on my PDA.

My thumbs are too sore

To send any more.

I'm stuck list'ning to what people say.

(Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

'Nationals Stretch Winning Streak to Five'

Higgledy piggledy,

Washington Nationals.

Baseball is back in the

City. Hooray!

Season begins and they

Incomprehensibly

Charge into first, but will

Stumble in May.

(Chris Doyle, Raleigh)

' Church Turns to Its Guardian of the Faith'

Dear Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, now Benedict Sixteen,

To keep an upbeat image should be first among your goals.

We're all a little sensitive, if you know what I mean,

Whenever we hear tales of Germans coming after Poles.

(Brendan Beary)

'Venerable Papal Tradition: The Very Smoke-Filled Room,' an article on some unsavory episodes surrounding papal selection over the centuries:

Men in red dresses and gold satin sashes,

Locked in a room to send smoke up from ashes.

In history, holiness wasn't the thing:

They did what they had to for that papal ring.

(Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

Sony, Toshiba Mull Unified Format to Avoid DVD War

Sony and Toshiba Corp.

Rolled out tatami floor mats,

Sat down and started haggling

On DVDs' new formats.

Who will get to set the trends?

Who remain alive?

In the end, it all depends

Who's got the greater drive.

(David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.)

Radar Used to Track Butterflies' Loop-de-Loops, about a research project that involves fastening a transponder to the butterfly's back:

What's a metaphor? you ask

(Aside from grazing cows in).

It's just the thing a writer needs

To earn his bread and housin'.

Most poets want (nine out of 10)

For any Ode to Spring,

A butterfly to flutter by

So sprightly on the wing.

Now, science's egghead-long rush

To plains of new discovery

Has placed a yoke upon a flight

Once delicate and hovery.

"A butterfly was 'freedom'

For its unencumbered flutter.

And now it's just a cargo plane,"

You hear the poets mutter.

What's the mutter for, you ask?

We poets want our word in:

"They've turned our monarch of the skies

Into a beast of burden."

(John Eggerton, Springfield)

'Pitchers Have Issues With Mound'

The season's only started, but the Nationals have found

Their pitchers have a problem with their footing on the mound.

"No substance in the center" is their big objection; still,

It's Washington, and just the same as on that other Hill.

(Brendan Beary)

'Bush Signs Bankruptcy Bill,' a law that makes it harder to declare bankruptcy; it takes effect in six months:

Just half a year, that's all I've got

To implement my fiendish plot.

Go bankrupt and expire from chills

And stick the doctors with the bills.

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

'My Sharona,' Revealing a Knack for Current Affairs?

The right wing must be shocked to know the President's iPod

Contains a song titled "My Sharona."

It's smutty, and it's puerile. It's disgusting -- oh my God,

It's sung by guys who eat kosher bologna!

(Harvey Smith, McLean)


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