More Honorable Mentions
More Honorable Mentions from Week 606 of The Style Invitational, which asked readers to interpret stories from that week's Post in poetic form:
'Juror's Woes Began With a Purchase'
It happened in Old Town Manassas,
Where trouble like this seldom brews,
That a juror got into hot water
For recklessly reading the news.
It's no fun to sit on a jury;
The poor woman needed a break,
But one trip to 7-Eleven
Turned into a costly mistake.
She picked up The Washington Post there;
The Potomac News also she bought.
But this was expressly forbidden;
By videotape she was caught.
Now the judge has thrown out a conviction
(The defense had first sought a mistrial);
The juror may be facing charges
Of perjury for her denial.
So listen up, newspaper junkies,
A bit of advice, if you please:
To stay out of trouble, steer clear of that rag
The Potomac News like a disease.
(Submitted by Donald E. Graham, the big upstairs office)
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
'Manassas Husband's Conviction Quashed'
She bought a newspaper -- an innocent act.
The tape from the store clearly bore out that fact.
But what part of "no" did she not understand,
When the judge warned all news and newspapers were banned?
This juror must've thought she was exempt.
No wonder she's now being held in contempt.
(Jeff Covel, Arlington)
'Armstrong Retiring After Tour de France'
Mr. Armstrong's retiring. It's so long to Lance,
Who is surely deserving of rest. He's
A great hero for owning that ol' Tour de France
And for beating disease in his testes.
(Max Gutmann, Sunnyvale, Calif.)
'Pakistani President Visits India'
Musharraf went to India to meet with P.M. Singh,
To hold some friendly talks and watch some cricket.
They're trying to make nice, 'cause Kashmir's hanging by a string
So neither told the other where to stick it.
'Filmmaker Sydney Pollack, Doing What He Hates Best,'
in which the director talked about the misery of the moviemaking process:
Though he may not have enjoyed his
Work in film, director Sydney
Does admit he likes the outcome
And he did it well, now, dydney?
(Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)
'Sole of the Sneakerhead,' about a collector of valuable athletic shoes :
I grow old, I grow old,
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled,
So you can see my $500 Nike Dunk SBs.
(Mike Cisneros, Centreville)
' Supreme Court to Decide Whether Church Can Import Drug'
Hoasca tea: habitual?
Religious freedom, ritual?
Or quirky Albuquerque freaks?
They'll sip till the Supreme Court speaks.
With Bush they've struck a bitter chord,
Hallucinating for the Lord.
(Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
'Now on DVD: The Sanitizer's Cut'
Some people, while watching "Titanic,"
Get themselves in a virtual panic.
It's not death and destruction they fear,
But a glimpse of Kate Winslet's fine rear.
And when watching them save "Private Ryan,"
They don't mind if you show people dyin'.
But the director ignored rules of war
When he showed all that visceral gore.
What to do when it's not fit for eyes?
Count on CleanFlicks, for they'll sanitize.
(John Shea, Ardmore, Pa.)
Chess column, April 25
I'm sure chess players don't deserve their nerdy reputation,
But "White mates in three moves" is really too much information.
'For Some, Thumb Pain Is BlackBerry's Stain'
A hundred two e-mails a day
Sent from meetings on my PDA.
My thumbs are too sore
To send any more.
I'm stuck list'ning to what people say.
(Pam Sweeney, Germantown)
'Nationals Stretch Winning Streak to Five'
Baseball is back in the
Season begins and they
Charge into first, but will
Stumble in May.
(Chris Doyle, Raleigh)
' Church Turns to Its Guardian of the Faith'
Dear Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, now Benedict Sixteen,
To keep an upbeat image should be first among your goals.
We're all a little sensitive, if you know what I mean,
Whenever we hear tales of Germans coming after Poles.
'Venerable Papal Tradition: The Very Smoke-Filled Room,' an article on some unsavory episodes surrounding papal selection over the centuries:
Men in red dresses and gold satin sashes,
Locked in a room to send smoke up from ashes.
In history, holiness wasn't the thing:
They did what they had to for that papal ring.
(Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)
Sony, Toshiba Mull Unified Format to Avoid DVD War
Sony and Toshiba Corp.
Rolled out tatami floor mats,
Sat down and started haggling
On DVDs' new formats.
Who will get to set the trends?
Who remain alive?
In the end, it all depends
Who's got the greater drive.
(David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.)
Radar Used to Track Butterflies' Loop-de-Loops, about a research project that involves fastening a transponder to the butterfly's back:
What's a metaphor? you ask
(Aside from grazing cows in).
It's just the thing a writer needs
To earn his bread and housin'.
Most poets want (nine out of 10)
For any Ode to Spring,
A butterfly to flutter by
So sprightly on the wing.
Now, science's egghead-long rush
To plains of new discovery
Has placed a yoke upon a flight
Once delicate and hovery.
"A butterfly was 'freedom'
For its unencumbered flutter.
And now it's just a cargo plane,"
You hear the poets mutter.
What's the mutter for, you ask?
We poets want our word in:
"They've turned our monarch of the skies
Into a beast of burden."
(John Eggerton, Springfield)
'Pitchers Have Issues With Mound'
The season's only started, but the Nationals have found
Their pitchers have a problem with their footing on the mound.
"No substance in the center" is their big objection; still,
It's Washington, and just the same as on that other Hill.
'Bush Signs Bankruptcy Bill,' a law that makes it harder to declare bankruptcy; it takes effect in six months:
Just half a year, that's all I've got
To implement my fiendish plot.
Go bankrupt and expire from chills
And stick the doctors with the bills.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)
'My Sharona,' Revealing a Knack for Current Affairs?
The right wing must be shocked to know the President's iPod
Contains a song titled "My Sharona."
It's smutty, and it's puerile. It's disgusting -- oh my God,
It's sung by guys who eat kosher bologna!
(Harvey Smith, McLean)