Paula Abdul Makes a Mockery of Herself on 'SNL'

We were promised a huge story.

We were promised days, if not weeks, of column-worthy material on a scandal that would bring down "American Idol," ruin the Fox broadcast network and change the landscape of reality television. Sex, drugs, Federal Communications Commission outrage, congressional indignation, hearings, meetings, the head of Paula Abdul served up on a silver platter -- we had such high hopes.

Instead, all we got was one lousy "Saturday Night Live" opening and super-slimy reax on Fox News Channel.

We were robbed.

Saturday night, "Idol" judge Paula Abdul gave an unconvincing performance as herself on NBC's once-great "Saturday Night Live."

Abdul introduced the opening skit -- a spoof of last week's ABC News report in which Corey Clark claimed she had coached and seduced him while he was an "Idol" contestant and she a judge on the singing competition series. The alleged Big Story.

"What you're about to see is a reenactment of some events of this week's biggest news story," Abdul, looking very Mrs. Robinson in a sexy, skintight push-up dress, told the "SNL" audience and viewers at home.

"All the facts have been changed to get laughs at my expense. I hope you enjoy it."

What followed was one of "SNL's" trademark sounded-funny-at-the-story-meeting sketches. In it, Faux John Quiñones of ABC News interviews Faux Corey, who claims to have more evidence of his affair with Abdul than he revealed during Wednesday night's "Primetime Live" broadcast. Faux Corey produces a receipt for a fish sandwich from Carl's Jr., paid for with cash.

Faux Quiñones asks Faux Corey who paid for it; Faux Corey says Paula did because he didn't have that kind of cash for those kinds of luxuries in those days. All hilarious if you are completely wasted; otherwise, not so much.

Flashback to Faux Paula on "Idol" judging Faux Corey and other male contestants from various editions of the show, only each of her critiques is a come-on. Actual Paula interrupts to critique the "SNL" actors' performances, putting the sketch out of its misery. She advises Faux Paula (Amy Poehler): "Amy, you need to perfect the clap a little more and be a lot more sexier so that contestants will be willing to sleep with you." She then gave the "Live from New York, it's 'Saturday Night'!" shout-out.

Abdul's carefully orchestrated "SNL" appearance came one day after she released her second statement on the subject of Clark's allegations, this time expressing "my deepest appreciation to the thousands of people throughout the world who have written, e-mailed, and called to express their support for me."

"All my life, I have been taught to take the high road, and never to dignify salacious or false accusations," Abdul said in the statement issued Friday from the office of uber-publicist Ken Sunshine, who has represented such luminaries as Ben Affleck, Justin Timberlake, Leonardo DiCaprio and Barbie doll when she broke up with Ken doll, and no, I'm not making that up.

"And I have been taught never, never to lie," said Abdul, who tends to be long-winded in her statements.

"Not only do I never lie, I never respond to lies, no matter how vicious, no matter how hurtful.

"I do trust my fans who can see through attempts at character assassination, and I do trust the essential fairness of the American public," Abdul concluded.

Abdul's "SNL" performance may not have been Emmy-worthy, but it got two big thumbs up from the guy who's trying to bring down her career. (Clark actually claims he's not. He insists Abdul should not get fired from "Idol" for her alleged conflict of interest because, he said repeatedly during last week's media blitz, including a Saturday night appearance on Fox News Channel's "At Large With Geraldo Rivera," all she did was have [alleged] sex with him, and, as he explained to Geraldo, every person on Earth is here because someone had sex.)

After appearing on Geraldo's show Saturday night, Clark and Geraldo went to a local bar for burgers and beers and watched Abdul's "SNL" performance, while cameras caught his reactions, which Geraldo telecast Sunday night.

"That was funny as hell," Clark said. "That was funny. That was funny as hell. Good job, Paula! That was amazing. That was better than being spoofed on Jay Leno . . . and she was cool, she was cool."