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Do it, Eddie. It's your last chance to beat the Heat.
It's either that, or kidnap Dwyane Wade.
There were a few notables in the building: Carmelo Anthony, one of Baltimore's favorite sons, took in the game. Also giving the proceedings some cache were Sen. Jon S. Corzine (D-N.J.), Arizona Coach Lute Olson and "Meet the Press" host Tim Russert.
Russert was asked what would happen if the Wizards continue to attract major entertainers and names, what will become of his importance?
"I'm a poor, lonely newsman," Russert began, "who'd be willing to step aside for Pam Anderson."
The Old Rip-Off
In a blatant rip-off of Miami's Golden Girls, a bunch of old bitties boogying on the American Airlines Arena court to hip-hop music, the Wizards last night unveiled the Platinum Edition dancers. The sight of pre-war prom queens sashaying onto the floor was a little disconcerting. Not because we thought they should be making rhubarb pie like some misogynistic columnists. No, Posting Up found them incredibly attractive in a way we never imagined, in a way that would have made Homer proud. We implore the club to go back to the Obese Men Dance Routine, just so we're not confused about any of our feelings.
The One-on-One, Big-Stiff Showdown between 7-foot-3 Wizard rookie Peter "Party John" Ramos and retired 7-7, fused-back Romanian Gheorghe Muresan had to be postponed yesterday when serious allegations about Ramos's age arose.
Several of Ramos's teammates do not believe he is 19 years old--as it allegedly says on his Puerto Rican birth certificate.
"I think it's one of those Danny Almonte-Freddy Adu birth certificates," said an anonymous Wizard, who we'll call Jared (not his real name). "Peter John looks like he's 35. He might be older than Gheorghe."
Ramos was recently asked his birth date, point blank.
"May 23," said Party John, who will allegedly turn 20 in 10 days. When asked what year, the big lug hesitated before saying, "1985."
With so much subterfuge, we decided to go to the woman who brought the little guy into the world. Maribel Fuentes, Ramos's mother, said her son indeed turns 20 in 10 days. "His birthday is May 23, 1985," she told a translator hired by the Post to interview her by telephone from her hometown of Caguas, P.R., at halftime.
Dan Le Batard of the Miami Herald conducted the interview entirely in Spanish, which means he could be lying too.