It's Time for Intimacy

In "The Weekend Marriage: Abundant Love in a Time-Starved World," (Harmony Books), Boston therapist Mira Kirshenbaum argues that even the busiest couples can stay close by sharing at least one moment of real intimacy daily. We found time to interview her recently about that idea.

You say that intimacy can be won in only 15 to 30 minutes per day. Where did you get this number? Almost sounds like an ad: "Intimacy in only 30 minutes a day."

In clinical research, the people who were successful . . . were doing little things consistently. . . . The key is in concentrating on each other and having positive experiences the way they did when they were first in love. Thirty minutes is great; it's huge. You don't even need that. One long kiss . . . how long does that take? Three minutes. You can do 30 minutes catch as catch can. . . . But you absolutely have to schedule sessions where you take time making love.

But doesn't that lack spontaneity?

It's what I call planned spontaneity. If you wait for things to happen spontaneously . . . you'll never make love. . . . Making love doesn't have a deadline, so you put it off.

You advocate focusing on only positive things when you're together. But if you have a problem with your partner, don't you need to get it out there and resolve it?

I say, no fighting when you have face-to-face time. Instead, schedule weekly meetings or fight over e-mail or in notes. . . . Sometimes waiting to express your need until you're calm can give you the distance you need [to avoid a fight].

In Washington, people are very focused on their careers. What if someone has high professional goals and doesn't want to compromise them?

It's not really that I'm saying people should be less ambitious -- but I am saying that love is critical, and what good is it going to be to make more money or get a higher position if in the process you've destroyed your love? . . . Like exercise or eating right. It's not optional, right?

--Rebecca Adams