By Lisa de Moraes
Tuesday, May 17, 2005

NEW YORK, May 16

NBC is going to crawl out of the ratings cellar and back to first place among the 18-to-49-year-olds advertisers love with creepy sea creatures, infertility specialists, America's most famous felon, a petty thief, a fantasy Pentagon and the latest redo of "Queen for a Day."

The network is gutting its 8 p.m. slate on five nights next fall because, NBC Universal Television Group President Jeff Zucker explained, "it's really where we fell down this year," and without viewers at 8 "the ability to launch things at 9, having them self-start, is nearly impossible."

Among the 8 o'clock offerings will be a Martha Stewart-hosted edition of "The Apprentice" on Wednesdays -- in addition to The Donald's version the next night at 9 -- and, on Friday, a "Queen for a Day"-esque reality series called "Three Wishes," in which singer Amy Grant descends upon little towns, and the little townspeople stand in line to tell her their wishes. NBC then decides which three are most camera-sweet, and Amy makes their three wishes come true and everyone lives happily ever after.

On the bright side, did you know that NBC's audience is rich?

Rich, rich, rich.

Stinking, filthy rich.

The most upscale audience since Moliere played Versailles. NBC viewers are so rich, they've got money coming out their flat screens.

We learned that when NBC unveiled its fall prime-time schedule Monday at Radio City Music Hall on Day 1 of Upfront Week, when the networks try to persuade ad execs to commit to billions of dollars in commercial time on series upfront, before they debut.

Once upon a time, NBC bragged about being the most watched network in the country. When that went away, NBC boasted it was No. 1 among the 18- to 49-year-olds whom advertisers pay a premium to reach.

These days, what with NBC about to finish the season in fourth place among that premium crowd -- a close fourth, NBC points out -- it's playing up the upscaleness of the NBC viewer. Not many of them, but what audience there is is well-off. Upscale here, upscale there, upscale everywhere. Why, if we had a buck for every time we heard the word "upscale" during NBC's presentation, we'd be rich enough to watch "The Office." Which, did you know, is TV's most upscale comedy? NBC suits said so Monday, by way of explaining why they're bringing back the mid-season comedy that averaged only 6.4 million viewers in its brief, six-episode run.

"The Office" will be back on Tuesday night, packaged with a new comedy called "My Name Is Earl" about a petty thief who wins some lottery money (not enough to turn him into an NBC viewer, mind you, but enough) and is immediately hit by a car, which leads him to decide he must make amends for all the lousy things he's ever done. NBC Entertainment chief Kevin Reilly said it was NBC's highest-testing comedy in 15 years; a short clip definitely got the biggest applause from advertisers of any new show trotted out Monday.

Overall, the tough ad crowd did not show a whole lot of love for NBC's new lineup. It didn't even rise to the bait when the "Will & Grace" cast came onstage to sort of hint that the coming season might not be their last after all. In fairness, it was hard to tell if Debra Messing and Eric McCormack were being sort of serious. On the other hand, if they had been the cast of "Friends," their sort-of-not-kidding comments would have caused much whooping and huzzahing from the crowd.

"Fear Factor," the successful reality series in which contestants are forced to perform dangerous stunts and eat wiggly things, was noticeably missing from the prime-time schedule. Advertisers don't much like "Fear Factor"--it's kind of downscale. But it is waiting in the wings for a "mid-season" launch, which these days could mean as soon as about four weeks into the new season. Definitely by the start of the November ratings sweeps.

Replacing "Fear Factor" on Monday at 8 is "Fathom," about seemingly innocent little sea creatures who turn into big scary monsters -- sort of "ET" meets "Aliens" meets "Independence Day," according to Reilly.

NBC brought Stewart herself out to hawk her reality show. Unfortunately, all she did was put on her best finishing-school smile and read blah-blah-so-happy-to-be-at-NBC-blah from the teleprompter, when what we really wanted to see was actual footage from the series.

NBC thinks Martha is the right lead-in for a rock-'em sock-'em Jerry Bruckheimer drama about the Pentagon called "E-Ring" and starring Brad Pitt and Dennis Hopper. This Washington fantasy is replacing NBC's other Washington fantasy, the fading but still very upscale "The West Wing," which is moving to Sundays at 8.

NBC is making no changes to its Thursday lineup, even though it's now getting stomped by CBS because -- did you know? -- NBC's Thursday just delivered its most upscale season ever.

That said, "Friends" spinoff "Joey" is off 59 percent from what "Friends" was doing Thursday at 8 among 18- to 49-year-olds of all incomes, while "Will & Grace" is down 45 percent, "The Apprentice" is down 41 percent and "ER" 23 percent.

Despite fumbling 10 million viewers of any age from its first broadcast to its most recent, "Joey" is back because, Reilly explained to reporters during a news conference before the presentation to advertisers, even though the show is uninspired at times and a "mixed bag" creatively, it is not "broken."

In addition to "Three Wishes," "Inconceivable" is joining NBC's Friday lineup, at 10. It's about a fertility clinic, which just screams "upscale."

Announced bench warmers include not only "Fear Factor" and the sitcom "Scrubs" but also a new comedy called "Thick and Thin," about a fat woman who turned into Jessica Capshaw, and the comedy "Four Kings," about four guys who are friends and live together.

And, once the dust settled, "Law & Order: Trial by Jury" was gone; ditto "The Contender," "Third Watch" and "American Dreams."