With Hank Stuever
Sunday, May 22, 2005

Think back please, way back in time, all the way to about three weeks ago, when the celebrity universe reverberated with "Exclusive Photos!" in the May 9 issue of Us Weekly. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (aka "Brangelina") were revealed walking around on a beach in Kenya at a private resort called the Alfajiri Villas. (Room rates: $500 to a reported $2,000 a night; $4,000 for the top villa, according to Us, with the 180-degree ocean views.) Here at last was all the scandalous proof we needed, if indeed we needed any: Brad and Angelina walking on a beach for a few minutes. How titillating! (And a bonus a few pages later: Jennifer Aniston's non-reactive reactions! She looks sad! But skinny! And tanned!)

Events like this always bring out a variation on this question: Why can't celebrities manage to take a vacation someplace that the paparazzi can't discover? The answers vary. One, the people who work for them are lousy at keeping secrets, especially when their bosses (i.e., the celebs) give them permission to go ahead and leak a little -- down to which yacht to look for, at what time of day, and what color of bikini, and at what setting a telephoto lens might work best. Oh, those pesky photographers, our celebs then wail, how do they outsmart us every single time? Can't a gal build sand castles with someone else's husband and get $15 mil per movie? I mean, really.

The other puzzlement is why anyone staying at a $4,000-a-night resort would think that sort of thing could somehow stay secret. You want real privacy? It's called Courtyard Marriott. It's called Oklahoma City. It's called Southwest Airlines. If I'm a celebrity trying to keep a tryst on the q.t., that's my plan -- travel like a ordinary slob and remain invisible. And see? See how I blabbed it? This is the thing to remember about 99 percent of exclusive scoops and sizzling photos: They want us to know (the New York Daily News ran with rumors that Jolie alerted the photogs herself). They want us to know a lot, especially because "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" opens June 10. (Everybody go see it twice!)

E-mail: celebrity@washpost.com.