Is This a Great Country, or What?

Apparently, being a national hero isn't as tough as it seems

Have you seen the list of 100 people nominated to be the greatest American of all time, as chosen in an online poll?

It's a hoot. It's going to be the basis of a month-long series on the Discovery Channel in June, featuring runoff elections where the public will finally choose a winner. I decided I owed it to history -- the history of American humor -- to phone a Discovery Channel spokesperson for comment.

Me: So, are you happy with the 100 nominees?

Elizabeth Hillman: Well, we were pleased at the number of people who voted. The results are not for us to judge. This is who America chose. This is the pulse of America.

Me: America seems to have a dangerously erratic pulse. For example, there seems to be a bit of a bias toward recent times, since more than half of the nominees are currently alive or were alive in the last five years. Does that trouble you? Or are you just relieved that Lincoln made the cut?

Elizabeth: Ha-ha. Well, I'm fascinated by the diversity of opinion!

Me: Not only are both George Bushes on the list, but Laura Bush and Barbara Bush, too! Whereas, say, James Madison is not. So, basically, Laura Bush and Barbara Bush are deemed to be greater Americans than the person who wrote the United States Constitution. What philosophical statement do you think the American public might be expressing by this decision? Do you think the statement might be, "We are as shallow as a loogie on the sidewalk?" Or, "We are self-involved, self-congratulatory, parochial-minded nitwits with a ludicrous ignorance of our own national history?" Which one?

Elizabeth: I just have to go back to the fact that this is the state of America at this moment in time. I'm not saying it's bad or good.

Me: I see Oprah is on the list, and Ellen DeGeneres, and Martha Stewart and Dr. Phil McGraw. They are apparently taking the place of people such as Whitman, Poe, Hopper, Gershwin and Melville, who many believe wrote the greatest American novel. So basically -- referencing the McGraw-Melville calculus -- Americans have picked The Ultimate Weight Solution over Moby Dick. Do you feel they are showing discerning literary judgment?

Elizabeth: We did notice that there were very few authors.

Me: Is America illiterate?

Elizabeth: I think we are showing who inspires us at this moment in time!