Nancy and Ed Gant of Bowie are used to having their family become the center of attention every time they take a trip to the mall or show up at one of their oldest daughter's softball games. It's not that they're disruptive; it's that there are a lot of them -- two parents and seven children, to be exact.
"We've got two in high school, three in elementary school, one who's ready for preschool and one crawling," she wrote in an e-mail. "It's a lot of different stages, all going on at once!"
What for her is summed up as "never a dull moment" is, for most other parents she meets, baffling. Seven children? As family size has shrunk, so has the number of parents with the knowledge acquired from years of raising lots of children. Parents today have launched an entire industry -- which includes handbooks, parenting coaches and "Super Nanny" -- because they feel stressed by the demands of raising their one or two children.
Which is why, maybe, parents of smaller families might have something to learn from those raising a large brood.
For more than a year, I've been placing ads on Web site message boards asking people to tell me what they've learned as parents of at least four children. The responses, most of them from mothers, cover practical areas like managing laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping and scheduling as well as the more philosophical -- tips on the best way to make sure everyone's needs are met, your marriage is stable, and happiness and security are the norm.
For example, mother-of-four Kimberly Jordan from Tse Bonito, N.M., says her main advice -- aside from being flexible -- is to "multiply the normal time it takes to accomplish something by the number of kids who are home." For example, she writes, "folding two loads of laundry: 15 minutes X 4 kids = 1 hour . . . I find that I'm a lot less stressed if I schedule myself according to that rule."
Jane Trudeau of Murphy, Tex., a mom of five, writes that it's "very important for every child to learn many household skills, such as cooking, laundry and cooking. Not every night, but often, my kids are in the kitchen helping me cook dinner. And that will increase as they get older."
"Everyone I know is amazed that my 10-year-old son does his own laundry," writes Kim Mitchell of Fredericksburg, who has five children. "I wonder why so many parents think they should do it for their kids once they are capable of the task."
Jane Mills, a mother of seven in Laurel, suggests that when boxing out-of-season clothes (or storing gifts that are a little too big), families use labels like "Boy, summer, size 2," instead of "Johnny's clothes." That way, lending, passing on or donating clothing won't mean hunting through several boxes looking for the right size.
Nancy Gant says that children's birthday and holiday cards should be labeled with a note on the back saying something like: "Johnny, from Grammy and Gramps, 2005." To put it away, throw it in that child's clear storage box that has his name on it. Over the years he'll be able to go through them and not be confused by his little brother's cards, no matter how many little brothers he eventually has!
And a favorite trick of mine: When you find greeting cards you like, buy them in bulk and have every child sign them. Put them away, and thank yourself whenever you have an occasion to give one and you don't have to hunt each child down to sign it.
Lastly, writes Laura Paxton, mother of four girls and two boys from Helena, Mont., "don't stress over the little stuff -- and housework is little stuff."
"Don't make work for yourself in areas that will find themselves needing work," writes Trudeau. "Eventually someone will spill on the kitchen floor and it will need mopping. Don't feel you have to mop every week if it's not that dirty."
As Michele Alley, a mother of six from Fredericksburg, Va., says, "The bottom line is, when the kids are grown, they won't look back and think, 'Wow, we always had the cleanest house in the neighborhood.' "
Having a strong marriage is important for all families but is absolutely critical when so many children are counting on you. The advice parents of big families give, over and over again, is to take time to have fun, just the two of you, on a regular basis.
Before their fourth daughter was born three years ago, Rebecca and Rick Kahlenberg of Bethesda used to go a movie together twice a month. Lately they haven't felt they could afford the time, so until they can again they carve out whatever time they can -- even if it seems small. "Right now we chat over the dishes, and after the girls are in bed," she writes. "We need to start [going out] again. It's just so important to do something together that we enjoy."
Alley and her husband go out every Friday night, getting dinner, seeing a movie or even going shopping. "Even if it's only for a few hours, it's a very important activity for us," she says. "After the kids are grown and gone, we still have to know and like each other."
