Knock, Knock

The Boeringers left the sausage and closed the lid, deciding to pretend they never saw it, should questions ever arise.

There indeed are times when you might not wish to question a host. For example, you should avoid saying something like, "Is it all right if I move the pornographic pictures of you and your husband out of the children's reach?"

But asking if a host would like a rotting sausage removed from his grand piano seems quite within the bounds of good taste.

In fact, Baldrige says that guests even have the right to awaken their guests to inquire about unusual or difficult circumstances. She says that Joan Tury of Annandale, for example, had no need to suffer in silence for five nights in a tick-ridden bed.

Tury said she "was taught that it is rude for a guest to complain. Cutting the visit short without a decent excuse seemed rude. [Saying] 'I can't sleep because you have ticks' didn't seem to cut it, either."

Of course you may never criticize a host's taste in decor or cuisine, or make smarmy remarks about the town where they've chosen to live. But you may, Baldrige advises, say, "I'm terribly sorry, but I'm so allergic to ticks. Would you mind if we went to a hotel for the night?"

In other words, never suffer in silence. You can even wake up a host and ask for pain medication and such, should it become necessary, says Baldrige. Given that, it's a good idea for hosts to set out common pharmaceutical necessities in a guest's room.

· Bear gifts. Guests would be amazed to read how much even a token gift means to their hosts. Or how put out they feel when a guest fails to show appreciation.

It's quite all right to delay giving a gift until immediately after returning home, the theory here being that you may have a better idea of what's needed in the household after your visit.

If you can afford to treat your hosts to dinner, that counts as a present. But even so, you must follow up with a note, says Baldrige, and preferably an additional little gift.

The longer you stay and the more people you bring, the more substantial the gift should be. If you can't afford more than, say, a box of stationery, send a beautiful letter. Sample text: "I wish I could send you a million orchids," says Baldrige. She adds, "Apologize for not giving a gift commensurate with your gratitude."

· Don't call the front desk. It's a common refrain: "They treated my home like a hotel." Each circumstance that elicits that cry is a bit different, but they all boil down to this: visitors who mistake their hosts for a professional staff that includes maids, cooks, waitresses, busboys and concierge.