The Style Invitational
"Well, I was, like, a woman, y'know. William was, y'know, like, a man. So I'm, like, so lonely. Willie is, like, well, Willie. Anyway, a wink, some skin, 'lookie lookie,' we make some nookie . . ."
This week's contest: On April 16, 2000, the Czar of The Style Invitational, may he rest in "retirement," printed what he would later declare the best Invitational winner ever: The example above is only a fraction of the tour-de-force submission by Richard Grossman of McLean of a passage consisting entirely of the letters of the subject's name, in this case one Monica Lewinsky. Actually, all of that week's results were excellent, but only 16 entries were printed, and several of them focused on Clinton-era notables. The Empress decrees that it's time to give it another go: Write something about any famous personage that uses only the letters in his or her name. It can be short or long; it does not have to use all the letters, and it can use a letter more than once. The more natural the syntax, the better.
Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the complete seven-volume Chronicles of The Style Invitational, compiled and donated by Truly Has-No-Life Loser Russell Beland of Springfield. This amazing work comprises the first 500 printed entries from Invitational Hall of Famers Chuck Smith, Jennifer Hart, Tom Witte, Chris Doyle and Russ himself, plus a collection of miscellany and an index of Weeks 1 through 599.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to email@example.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 11. Put "Week 617" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest is based on an idea by Francis Heaney, whom we didn't credit last time until he complained. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington.
Report from Week 613, in which we asked you to coin words containing the letters E, R, A and N, consecutively but in any order you liked. Saul Singer of Silver Spring sent in "Neararena" (property within walking distance of MCI Center), which he proudly noted contained doubles of E, R, A and N -- and no other letters -- but didn't note that the answer wasn't particularly funny.
Third runner-up: Stalloneranger: Yo, Silver! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Second runner-up: Supranecessity: The mother of all mothers of invention. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
First runner-up, the winner of the dinner plate from the American Dietetic Association: Hooternanny: The au pair you thought was especially promising, but your wife sent back to the agency. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
And the winner of the Inker:
Dane-rot: What Hamlet discovered when he came home from college. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis)
Maccabeanery: A kosher diner. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio)
Inanery: A comedy club. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)