The Style Invitational
Week 617: Best the Best

Sunday, July 3, 2005

"Well, I was, like, a woman, y'know. William was, y'know, like, a man. So I'm, like, so lonely. Willie is, like, well, Willie. Anyway, a wink, some skin, 'lookie lookie,' we make some nookie . . ."

This week's contest: On April 16, 2000, the Czar of The Style Invitational, may he rest in "retirement," printed what he would later declare the best Invitational winner ever: The example above is only a fraction of the tour-de-force submission by Richard Grossman of McLean of a passage consisting entirely of the letters of the subject's name, in this case one Monica Lewinsky. Actually, all of that week's results were excellent, but only 16 entries were printed, and several of them focused on Clinton-era notables. The Empress decrees that it's time to give it another go: Write something about any famous personage that uses only the letters in his or her name. It can be short or long; it does not have to use all the letters, and it can use a letter more than once. The more natural the syntax, the better.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the complete seven-volume Chronicles of The Style Invitational, compiled and donated by Truly Has-No-Life Loser Russell Beland of Springfield. This amazing work comprises the first 500 printed entries from Invitational Hall of Famers Chuck Smith, Jennifer Hart, Tom Witte, Chris Doyle and Russ himself, plus a collection of miscellany and an index of Weeks 1 through 599.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 11. Put "Week 617" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest is based on an idea by Francis Heaney, whom we didn't credit last time until he complained. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington.

Report from Week 613, in which we asked you to coin words containing the letters E, R, A and N, consecutively but in any order you liked. Saul Singer of Silver Spring sent in "Neararena" (property within walking distance of MCI Center), which he proudly noted contained doubles of E, R, A and N -- and no other letters -- but didn't note that the answer wasn't particularly funny.

Third runner-up: Stalloneranger: Yo, Silver! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Second runner-up: Supranecessity: The mother of all mothers of invention. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

First runner-up, the winner of the dinner plate from the American Dietetic Association: Hooternanny: The au pair you thought was especially promising, but your wife sent back to the agency. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

And the winner of the Inker:

Dane-rot: What Hamlet discovered when he came home from college. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis)

Honorable Mentions:

Maccabeanery: A kosher diner. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio)

Inanery: A comedy club. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Planertia: When you stick with a bad idea long after it's clear you have no exit strategy. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville)

Sosa-nervosa: The midseason anxiety suffered by Orioles fans as they sense they've just obtained another over-the-hill slugger. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Arenotdeetwo: R2D2's argumentative twin. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick)

Bewarenik: A conspiracy theorist. (Marjorie Streeter, Reston)

Rearendearment: A loving pat on the tush. (Chris Doyle)

Searenade: A torch song. (Chris Doyle)

Sahararendevous: Midnight at the oasis. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

Squaren't: A fundamental property of walls that becomes screamingly apparent when you try to hang patterned wallpaper. (Walt Johnston, Woodstock, Md.)

Earnigma: An IRS form. (Herb Greene, Catonsville)

Earnosethroater: A plain-speaker's otorhinolaryngologist. (Danny Bravman; Mary Harlow, Alexandria)

Yearner's-permit: A credit card. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

Heathenarc: An Air Force Academy cadet who rats out all the non-Christians. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Menart: Writing your name in the snow. (Kyle Hendrickson)

Menarchy: The view that the male is always in charge, period. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Kenarbie: Mattel's new hermaphroditic doll. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.)

Sevenarse: Standard minivan capacity. (Walt Johnston)

Enran: Skipped the country to avoid prosecution for corporate crime: "The CFO enran to his estate in Aruba just before the audit." (John Maring, East Stroudsburg, Pa.)

Fenrapture: Boston, Oct. 27, 2004. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Chickenracing: Poultry in motion. (Chris Doyle)

Heavenradio: The Corporation for Public Broadcasting's planned second NPR channel: all religion, all the time. (Peter Metrinko)

Ye Olde NRA: If crossbows are outlawed, only criminals will have crossbows. (Brian Cohen, Vienna)

Deerantics: Reindeer games. (Kyle Hendrickson)

Brotheranorexia: He ain't heavy. (Chris Doyle)

Pomeraniac: Someone with six yappy little dogs. (Lawrence Dusold, New Market, Md.)

Serpentolerance: Sympathy for the Devil. (Chris Doyle)

Eaternaty: Dinner with the in-laws. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Jabbernacle: A two-hour sermon. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Internapping: Web browsing with a dial-up. (Mike Cisneros)

Losernator: Cyborg designed to destroy all competition in humor contests; earliest version was named "Chuck"; latest version is named "Brendan." (Fred S. Souk, Reston)

Juggernaught: Flat-chested. (Chris Doyle)

Slackernavel: A bellybutton in a beer gut. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Neart: Opposite of fart. (Josh Milner, Washington)

NEA-recipe: Karen Finley's tips for using

leftover chocolate. (Mark Eckenwiler)

Boneraser: 1. Osteoporosis. 2. Saltpeter. (Chris Doyle)

UnReagan: Quiet revocation of special naming tributes a couple of decades after the honoree's death (see UnKennedy, Cape Canaveral). (Pam Sweeney)

Brane: What I think with, of course. -- D. Quayle, Phoenix (Dan Seidman; Russell Beland, Springfield)

Greenarse: A quarterback who is often sacked. Patrick Ramsey is the latest in a long line of greenarses. (Tom Witte)

Koran-eliminator: A toilet (considered an incorrect usage by some). (Mark Eckenwiler)

Remora-neighbor: The lady next door who stops you on trash day and says, "You aren't going to throw that out, are you?" (Lawrence McGuire)

Subterraneanderthal: A creep who ogles you on the Metro. (Chris Doyle)

Urethranet: The all-potty-humor Web site. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Areanapkin: The throw rug in your efficiency apartment. (Peter Reppert, Silver Spring)

Re-antler: To put the wall decorations back up in your congressional office after a photo op with a PETA activist. (Ned Bent)

Preanvil: The look on Wile E. Coyote's face right before being hit by a falling object. (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.)

Wackorean: Kim Jong Il. (Chris Doyle)

Arenal-failure: Inability to get into the stadium bathroom at halftime. (Edward Roeder, Washington)

Eurenal: A plumbing fixture designed by a committee of 25 nations. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

Carenage: Killing with kindness. (Brendan Beary)

Corneacopia: A feast for the eyes. (Danny Bravman)

Exporneate: To remove offensive items from your apartment just in case you bring home a lady tonight. It could happen! (Ned Bent)

Sterneau: What keeps the food warm at the toniest buffet lines. (Brendan Beary)

Next Week: In-Stock Characters, or And the Brand Played On

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