The Style Invitational

Week 621: Questionable Journalism

A. In fact, I don't think it's actually as hard to do as you indicate.

Q: You think I'd bring myself to kiss you if you were the last person on Earth?

This week's contest is of a type the Empress loves: one in which contestants cannot steal their entries off the Internet, and one that requires readers to peruse The Washington Post, the fine publication that gives her real cash money as long as she does not use the word ···· or ···· or, of course, ········ (except as an adjective): Take any sentence that appears in The Post or in an article on washingtonpost.com anytime through Aug. 8 and supply a question that it could answer. Please cite the date and page number of the article you're using (or if you're online, include that section of the article). The example above is from today's Ask Amy column.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a real treasure: One-time (and we mean one-time, not onetime) Loser Helen Ward is a movie storyboard artist: She makes innumerable ink drawings detailing, shot by shot, five to a page, a planned film. She has sent us the original 26 storyboards for Scene 83, "Van Crash," for "Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2," which she calls "probably the worst movie I've worked on."

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 8. Put "Week 621" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 28. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This contest was originally suggested in 1998 by Jacob Weinstein.

Report from Week 617, in which we asked you to write something about a well-known person, using only the letters in that person's name. Many impressive entries this week, too many (given the length of some) to fit in this space -- so be sure to check out more of the same in a supplement on washingtonpost.com . Obviously, it was easier in this contest to use a very long name than a very short one: The person who sent in a single moderately amusing sentence constructed from letters appearing in "Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor, Prince of Wales" receives only the Empress's haughty derision.

Third Runner-up: Rick Santorum: It's a crisis! Am I crass? I'm not. Man 'n' man is tantamount to man 'n' mutt. To man 'n' cat. To man 'n' rat. To man 'n' trout! TO MAN 'N' STORK!!! ICK! (Daniel Mauer, Silver Spring)

Second Runner-up: William Rehnquist: He's a tease, this Law Master. We learn he's ill. He weathers the treatment. Then he swears in the new ruler.

Alas, the Master seems a shell. All winter, he marshals his mettle. He startles us; he retains his health. The law still warms this esquire's heart. His qualities shine: wise, serene, quiet, a little ruthless, a little quaint as well (at merest whim, it seems, he wears the silliest hats). We are in his thrall. When will he quit?

The Hill waits. It seethes. The time is here -- ere an ass rules the realm, the Master must retire! The militants swarm, hassle him: "We want that seat!" Rather than wilt in the heat, the Master issues a statement: "Retire? Hah! Let the Law Mistress retire. I'll retain this seat whilst air remains in me. Am I timeless, eternal?" He smiles. "We'll see, eh?" (Patricia Casey, McLean)

First runner-up, winner of the seven-volume Style Invitational Toilet-Top

Reference Set: Kelly Ripa: Early, perky, really irky. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)