Past Perfect

American History 101 doesn't have to be boring. Or true

America's schools are in crisis, particularly in the teaching of history. At a recent Senate hearing, it was disclosed that more than half of our high school seniors have less than a "basic" knowledge of our nation's past. This is particularly alarming because -- if my memory of high school serves me -- "basic" knowledge was what was taught in those classes composed of the kids who beat you up at lunchtime.

Better-than-"basic" knowledge of the Civil War: Riven by intractable economic and social differences, the North and South took to combat in a bloody, four-year test of wills upon which rested the survival of the modern world's first representative democracy and of the ideals of personal freedom and human dignity upon which it was founded.

"Basic" knowledge of the Civil War: Abraham Lincoln winned.

So, clearly, this is a problem.

My theory is that our kids are not failing history; history is failing our kids -- it's just not interesting enough. Fortunately, our own government has provided an exciting template to deal with this problem. The solution is as obvious as the solution to the problem of not finding any weapons of mass destruction. Change history!

The War of Independence

Old history lesson: The American Colonies revolted against England because of taxes.

Problem: Taxes are boring.

New history lesson: The American Colonies revolted against England because of nude, sunbathing sluts. Also, we wanted to ftop fpeaking like fthissies.

The Monroe Doctrine

Old history lesson: Feeling the United States' hegemony threatened by continued French and Spanish interest in colonizing the New World, President James Monroe laid out a clear warning to European powers that any effort to extend their influence into the Americas would be seen as a threat to the United States, and would be met with appropriate resistance. This established a precedent for forceful American foreign policy, a national attitude that resonates today.

Problem: Zzzzzzzz.