Don't Fear the Reaper, Vote for Him

Why vote for the lesser of two evils when you can vote for someone who looks evil?

"Our great country is in a terrible downward spiral," says the message on http://www.walken2008.com/, touting Christopher Walken for president. "It's time to be smart about our politics."

Can't you see it? Walken tearing apart Jeb and Hillary in the debates. Walken peering out from behind the voting booth curtain, or leering on "Larry King."

But the actor has "no intention of running," his rep says, and the Web site, registered in Los Angeles under the name Christopher Walken for President, is "100 percent false."

Still, imagine a State of the Union address delivered in syncopated Walkenese: "The state . . . of the union . . . is mahvelous . Just -- mahvelous." Pivot, glare. "I can't think of a better -- STATE -- for the union to be in ." Shoulder hunch, head twitch. Rapturous applause.

All seriousness aside, the only thing more disappointing than the campaign's fraudulence is its boring tag line, "It's time to get America back on track." Given the cache of great Walken lines, we stump for snappier slogans:

"When I win, everyone gets a glass of shhham-pan-ya."

"Like your father's gold watch, this country needs to be kept safe, secure and in a warm place." (See "Pulp Fiction.")

"Liberty is my weapon of choice." (Fat Boy Slim on the ticket?)

"Walken? I'm runnin'!"

"Catch me if you can."

"More cowbell."

-- Dan Zak