A Clear-Cut Report

Below the Beltway
(Eric Shansby)
By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, September 11, 2005

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

By George W. Bush

Day One: Cleared some brush.

Day Two: Cleared some brush.

Day Three: Cleared some brush.

Day Four: Cleared some more &*$#! brush.

Day Five: Refused to clear any more brush. McClellan said, what should I tell reporters you are doing, then? He said it had to sound manly and resolute, but also vacation-like. I told him I would get back to him on that.

Day Six: Cleared some brush.

Day Seven: Ran out of brush. Secret Service ordered some more.

Day Eight: A lady outside the compound gates says she wants to talk to me to find out why her son died in Iraq. I checked. He died because someone shot him. I was going to go out there and explain this, but Laura suddenly needed me in the kitchen.

Day Twelve: Hooray! I passed my physical. The doc said I am one of the healthiest presidents ever, even if I am a little accident-prone, such as nearly dying from eating a pretzel, and accidentally falling off a Segway, which they tell me is like accidentally falling off the deck of an aircraft carrier. I celebrated the good news by getting on my bike and running over a Secret Service agent.

Day Seventeen: That lady is still there. It turns out she wants to know why her son got sent to Iraq. I checked. He got sent to Iraq to stop Iraqis from rioting because we keep sending people to Iraq. I was going to explain this, but Laura needed some help with the Su Do Ku puzzle. I couldn't find any words in there to circle, though.

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