A Few Choice Words: Tony Kornheiser

How 'Bout a Little Love For Good Old Geezer Golf

Monday, September 26, 2005

Just as Freddy Couples was getting ready to attempt a 20-foot, left-to-right putt on No. 18 to beat Vijay Singh and -- as it later turned out -- help provide the margin the U.S. team would need to win the Presidents Cup, Johnny Miller announced on TV, kind of out of nowhere, "This is the kind of putt an old guy can make."

Excuse me?

1. Why is it the kind of putt an old guy can make?

Is it close enough that an old guy can see the line despite his cataracts? Is it because it breaks left-to-right, and everybody knows that old guys hit sliders better than straight putts because their hands shake? Is it because you can take out your teeth and gum the ball into the cup?

2. How old a guy are we talking about?

Could Alan Greenspan make that putt? Could Joey Bishop?

Fred Couples will be 46 next month. That's old?

(Johnny Miller is 58. Does that make him Willard-eligible?)

I know a thing or two about being an old guy, because I am one. I am much older than Freddy Couples and I could stand over that putt at RTJ from now until Bea Arthur gets another facelift and never make it once. Putting those greens at RTJ is like rolling a marble down a drainpipe.

But here's what I will do. I will avail myself of technology. In pursuit of lowering my preposterous handicap, I will spend $600 on a Phil Mickelson driver, $500 on a Scotty Cameron putter and $45 on each new box of Pro Vs. (That's how I roll.) And, in the end, isn't that what all old guys do?


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