Boo for the 'Money'

There's a new sports-betting movie out called "Two for the Money."

Larry King calls it "the best movie about gambling ever made! . . . This film has everything." Couch Slouch calls it "the worst movie about gambling ever made! . . . This film has nothing."

Guess which blurb the studio is using in its newspaper ads?

(Film critic Jack Mathews wrote in the New York Daily News, "It's 'Glengarry Glen Ross' in a sports bar." No, it's "Gigli" in an OTB parlor.) I would explain the thrust of the film to you, except it has no story and it makes no sense. It was a bit like watching the Ravens' offense -- somewhat scripted, going nowhere.

The movie starts with a game-winning, career-ending touchdown and finishes with a game-winning, career-ending touchdown. In between, there is occasional dialogue.

Walter (Al Pacino), who is married to Toni (Rene Russo), owns a sports-tout service and hires former college quarterback Brandon (Matthew McConaughey) to be his star handicapper. If Brandon picks games well, they all get rich; if he doesn't, they all go broke.

I don't think I'm leaving out any nuance here.

The story was so bad, I'm surprised it wasn't an episode of "Yes, Dear."

(By the end of the first act, the usher in my theater gave two weeks' notice.) They could've written a better script using Mad Libs.

When Walter first meets Brandon, he tells him breathlessly, "Everything's about money."

A bit later, Brandon tells viewers on Walter's sports-adviser TV show, "For one year, I've been picking 80 percent winners. Unbelievable?"

Uh, yes.