Boo for the 'Money'

This movie was as authentic about sports gambling as "Gilligan's Island" was about shipwrecked life on a desert isle.

I would've rather watched Jim Feist pick produce.

I mean, who read this baby and said, "Let's make movie magic!"

They would've been better off making a movie about a pylon.

(There were precisely 11 of us watching the movie at my theater's late show. At one point, we considered blitzing the projectionist to stop the film, but one of the audience members was a lawyer who explained that our legal position was stronger if we tried to survive the entire production.) If "Two for the Money" came out, say, 10 or 15 years ago, it might've ended Pacino's and Russo's careers. As for McConaughey, I'm not quite sure he has a career.

Somehow, two other fine actors, Jeremy Piven and Armand Assante, were dragged into this mess in supporting roles. I assume Piven already has fired his agent. As for Assante. . . . Armand, Armand, Armand, what were you doing here? You were Gotti, you were a Mambo King. In this dud, you're in two scenes -- and in the second one they have you urinating on someone.

The NFL wouldn't give the movie folks licensing rights, so there are no team nicknames -- just a bunch of fake logos, fake uniforms and fake football footage. The only real person in the film is ESPN's Jim Rome, and based on my own personal experience, I'm not even sure he's real.

At the movie's critical juncture, when Walter must tell his TV audience his Super Bowl pick -- delivered by a badly slumping Brandon, who had flipped a coin on the game (perhaps the movie's most realistic gesture) -- he offers the following guarantee, "You Lose . . . We Cover!"

Wow.

Similarly, I'm so confident this film is so bad that I will offer the following guarantee:

I will refund anyone the price of your theater ticket -- up to $9.50 -- if you can prove you loved "Two for the Money." All payments are subject to an authorized polygraph and, of course, Larry King and his immediate family are not eligible.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I'm sure you still have your head in the sand on this, but doesn't baseball need replay? (Jason Cale; Kansas City, Mo.)