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Wait, There's More

A fixture on infomercials before a run-in with the FTC, Kevin Trudeau has a best-selling book,
A fixture on infomercials before a run-in with the FTC, Kevin Trudeau has a best-selling book, "Natural Cures 'They' Don't Want You to Know About." (By Helayne Seidman For The Washington Post)

"The guy who sent it to me is kinda way out there," he says.

Enemas and More Enemas

Trudeau's publishing company -- which he happens to have founded -- says he's sold 4 million copies of "Natural Cures," many of them through phone orders. While those numbers can't be verified, his sales through traditional outlets have been astonishing -- so far he's spent 16 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list.

For those who want to save their $29.95, here are the secrets to health the government is keeping from you, according to Trudeau:

Get an electromagnetic chaos eliminator. Do some "bioenergetic synchronization." Give yourself some enemas, and then give yourself some more enemas. Wear white, for positive energy. Don't use a microwave or an electric tumble dryer or fluorescent lights or artificial sweeteners; don't dry-clean your clothes or use swimming pools or eat pork. Don't use deodorant (causes cancer) or nonstick cookware (causes cancer) or watch the news (stress alters your body's pH, which can make you get cancer). Remove the metal fillings from your mouth, and you're all set!

Trudeau's "Natural Cures" also references several helpful Web sites. One claims that if you stare into the sun every day while barefoot, you won't need food anymore. Another sells an instrument that looks rather like an index card but which promises to open a "temporal and spatial gate" that "enables an individual's entire etheric system to interface with a very large, complicated, partially automated, predefined healing process."

Lastly, if you have depression, Trudeau writes, stop taking your medication and by all means stop seeing doctors, who can't be trusted. Rather, go for a long stroll outside every day and "look far away as you walk."

If that fails, the book advises you to try Scientology.

From Kirstie to Mikhail

Trudeau is a remarkable American success story in the grand tradition of traveling salesmen with cure-all potions. He could sell you your own shirt and leave you grateful for the bargain.

When he talks, his hazel eyes get big and he taps his listener on the knee. He claims he knows important people in important places. He says he was just on the phone with Kirstie Alley. He says he met Mikhail Gorbachev, "fascinating guy."

He's a victim. He's a martyr. He's just trying to help his fellow man. He hasn't been sick in 25 years and he's going to stay healthy till 150 and he might run for president one day because "there's 25 million people that would probably vote for me."

He is like a magician; you're watching his hands and all of a sudden there's some confetti and a woman in a bathing suit and when you look back, lo and behold, there's a dove. When you ask Trudeau over and over for proof of his "natural cures," he says his studies are unpublished; he says he doesn't believe in studies; he says the studies are in the book -- but they're not there. They're never there.

Watch the hands.

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