Humanized 'Penguins'? That Idea Just Doesn't Fly.

Morgan Freeman, in that I-so-sound-like-God-that-you-have-to-believe-me voice of his, calls the wildly successful "March of the Penguins" a bona fide "love story."

But if I acted like one of the film's stars, I'd be called a "ho" -- and a practiced one at that.

Of course, I'm not a penguin, and so I don't pick a new partner every year, mate, produce a chick outdoors in frigid temperatures, then abandon my baby to the harsh elements months later.

That is precisely the point.

Anthropomorphizing works for Disney and the French filmmakers, who made the documentary being released Tuesday on DVD. But in the American version, it intrudes on a story about creatures that would tickle our imaginations all by themselves, without turning them into mini-people.

(Sure, sure, animals have feelings, animals have personalities, and, we, too, are animals who display primitive behavior. Still, we are not waddling birds, and the birds are not waddling humans.)

The 80-minute documentary was released in U.S. theaters earlier this year, surprising the industry with so much critical and popular acclaim that "March" is now the second-highest-grossing documentary ever (behind Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11"). It is on the march to further glory, having won top honors at film festivals and nominated for more. It will likely be a contender for the Best Documentary Oscar.

The story Freeman narrates against the backdrop of arresting footage covers a year in the life of emperor penguins in Antarctica, starting in March, from their playground at the water's edge to mating grounds about 70 miles away across ice and snow.

Each year, males and females pair off, with the mother laying an egg that the father then protects while the mother drags herself back 70 miles to get enough food to survive, go back again to her offspring and feed her young. At that point, the males return to the water to get food for themselves. Eventually, the parents go away and the chicks are left to fend for themselves. The next year, the cycle starts all over again with new partners (making it hard to understand why some people call this a movie with "family values").

The narrative is replete with efforts to show just how much human and penguin social skills resemble each other.

They "make love" (except every time with a new partner); they protect their young (except there was that one scene where a bird menaces some baby chicks and the adults just watch. Hmm).

"March" also doesn't tell those of us who value the lyrics along with the music some basic facts about the adorable animals. How long do they live? Height and weight? Do they face environmental threats? "March" is mum.