Humor Cop

Just the cracks, ma'am

(Eric Shansby)

I write for the great and powerful Washington Post, but my accomplishments seldom seem as important as those of my colleagues. Whereas my stories have led to enraged letters from crayon-wielding lunatics, my colleagues' stories have led to congressional investigations. They've gotten people fired. They've even put people in jail.

I admit to penal envy. That is why I am always on the lookout for major social injustices that happen on my "beat," so I can pursue them with tough-guy, Woodwardian fervor. One promising lead arrived the other day, in a box with a familiar pleasant fragrance but the acrid stench of scandal. I got on the phone immediately and asked for customer service.

Lynn: Topps.

Me: I want to talk to the person responsible for Bazooka Joe comics.

Lynn: No one ever asked me that before.

Me: I can't say that I'm surprised, ma'am. Some things you just don't want to go poking around into, unless you're paid to.

Lynn: I can tell you how to get Bazooka Joe T-shirts . . .

Me: No, ma'am. Just the comics. Someone's got to answer for them.

Lynn: I'll have to switch you to New York.

Me: I've got time. I'm an investigative humorist.

Nicole Palmieri: This is Nicole Palmieri.

Me: I want to talk to the person responsible for Bazooka Joe.