A Stepfather's Harsh Words

Even if your nieces don't seem to mind your brother-in-law's behavior, they need you to intervene because the same verbal abuse that they tolerate in their middle years could destroy their self-esteem in adolescence.

Talk with him -- kindly, respectfully and in private -- and ask if he knows how scary he sounds when he corrects his stepdaughters and how much more kindly he treats his own son. If he is as loving as you say, he will probably be shocked to hear what you think and may be somewhat willing to change his ways.

If he must have the girls eat everything on their plates, for instance -- a truly outdated idea -- suggest that he let them serve themselves, taking a little of everything. Since children know how hungry they are and which textures, flavors and spices they like, they probably will eat most of their meal and if they aren't hungry enough to do that, they aren't hungry enough for dessert.

To eat, or not to eat, should never be an issue at mealtime, or any other time. That just encourages a child to eat too much -- or too little -- in the coming years.

If your brother-in-law can't stomach your criticism, you could quietly videotape him when he disciplines the girls unfairly, as part of your annual holiday tape. Seeing himself in action may make him change faster than anything else.

Without counseling, however, he will still be a controlling person and perhaps an abusive one, not because of his past alcoholism, but because he may have been verbally abused when he was young.

Even with therapy he may not change the way he deals with the girls in their middle years. As Ellen Galinsky points out so well in her classic book "The Six Stages of Parenthood" (Addison Wesley, $21), no one is an equally good parent at every stage of a child's life, from pregnancy to adulthood.

Both your brother- and sister-in-law could also profit from reading the new book "Strengthening Your Stepfamily" by Elizabeth Einstein and Linda Albert (Impact, $17.95). It's packed with insightful information that both of them can use.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.