They Paid Me To Read This Stuff

Modern Drunkard, the magazine with the slogan, "Standing up for your right to get falling down drunk since 1996," published the best editorial disclaimer of the year:

"Views expressed in this magazine do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Modern Drunkard staff or publisher. In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to deny everything. Your honor, I was never even near the place and what's more, those are not my trousers and those are most assuredly not my friends. They are merely a drunken and surly gang of hitchhikers I made the terrible, terrible mistake of giving a lift. I promise to be good. Really. I swear."

In 2005, many magazines tried to lure younger readers. Vanity Fair's effort was perhaps the most . . . um, confrontational. It sponsored an essay contest on the topic of "What's on the minds of America's youth today?" The text of the contest announcement read: "More than 30 years ago, young people across the country staged sit-ins for civil rights, got up and protested against a misguided, undeclared war and actually gave a damn if a president lied to them. . . . Today it seems as if younger Americans are content to watch their MTV, fiddle with their game players, follow the love lives of Brad, Jen, Jessica and Paris, and assume the hard work is being done by others. What has changed?"

In other words: Hey, kids, how come you're such mindless morons?

In 2005, GQ magazine revealed that deep down inside, your murderous megalomaniacal dictators are just like the rest of us -- they love to eat junk food, party hearty and have a good joke.

First, GQ published a story on the American soldiers who guarded Saddam Hussein in a secret Iraqi prison. They reported that Saddam hates Froot Loops but loves Cheetos and Doritos. He also enjoyed telling jokes, including one about three men and a sheep. And, like many American conservatives, he misses Ronald Reagan, who aided him in his war with Iran: "Reagan and me, good," he told the soldiers.

After that, GQ ran a story on North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. It included an interview with Kenji Fujimoto, who used to be Kim's personal chef. Fujimoto invited Kim to his wedding and the dictator watched as Fujimoto got so drunk on cognac that he passed out on the dance floor.

"The next day, Kim Jong Il calls me in," Fujimoto told GQ. "He praises my drinking ability and asks me, 'By the way, do you have any pubic hair?' I say, 'Of course, I do.' Kim Jong Il says, 'Why don't you go to the toilet and look at your pubic hair?' I went there, and there was none."

There you have it, folks -- the kind of magic magazine moment you'll want to remember next time you're tempted to drink too much at a North Korean wedding.