I recently found myself in New York, in the office of Dr. George Lefkovits, a Park Avenue plastic surgeon. I was there because I had read Dr. Lefkovits's ad in a magazine, and found the new procedure he was advertising to be so astonishing, so counterintuitive, so beyond the reasonable norms of medical science, that I decided he must be a genius or a madman. This demanded a field trip.
Before I entered his office, I did some sleuthing. From doormen in a nearby building I learned that right next to Dr. Lefkovits's plastic surgery practice lives none other than . . . Joan Rivers. So, my first question to the doc was the obvious one.
"You cannot ask that," he answered.
"But I just did!" I observed.
"She is not a patient of mine," he said. "But whether or not she is, my answer would be, 'She is not.' "
I noted that, either way, he wins. If she is a client, he gets points for discretion. If she isn't, then he's still left the impression that she might be, which makes him look like a surgeon to the stars.
Dr. Lefkovits just smiled. Okay, this is no dope, even if he does look and sound exactly like Joe Pesci in "My Cousin Vinny." It made for an entertaining interview.
Me: Can you briefly describe this new, patented procedure in which you pioneer?
Dr. Lefkovits: I try to improve, augment and re-profile buttocks. You see, people are unaware of the significance of buttocks, and the need to better balance the . . .
Me: Let's cut to the chase. You make Americans' behinds bigger, right?
Dr. Lefkovits: Well, it is really a matter of creating a more esthetically pleasing and more voluptuous buttock through additional projection.
Me: You add fat to the human buttock. You make Americans' behinds bigger.