By Dan Steinberg and Desmond Bieler
Monday, January 2, 2006

Now that 83 or so pointless bowl games have been played, we're getting geeked for the one that actually means something: the Rose Bowl. And while Reggie Bush says he's not thinking beyond that game, we'd advise him to take full advantage of his opportunity to stop and smell the roses, since his next moment in the spotlight will be when he pretends to be happy to put on a hat. Just in case Bush can't decide which variety of rose smells the sweetest, we've rounded up some expert selections:

Orange Fire, Miguel Tejada: Disgruntled Oriole complains that even the Blue Jays have "strengthened themselves." Tejada said that if the O's don't make moves to strengthen themselves, he'll take matters into his own hands and dole out a few more vitamin B-12 shots.

White Knight, Chris Cooley: Appears with Clinton Portis's "Southeast Jerome" character as "Johnny White Guy." We appreciate the enthusiasm but feel Cooley could have picked a slightly more subtle moniker, like "Northwest Jerome."

New Beginning, Sicilians: Follow an age-old New Year's Day tradition by eating lasagna for good luck. Kobe Bryant also indulged in some New Year's pasta, although he opted for elbows.

Roller Coaster, Marty Schottenheimer: His Chargers end a disappointing season with a bad loss on New Year's Eve, but team execs say they remain optimistic. San Diego does seem a bit ahead of schedule; usually, Marty's teams don't collapse until January.

Maybe Baby, Paul Tagliabue: NFL commish says the Saints' long-term future in New Orleans is "not a slam dunk," a conclusion that was immediately endorsed by George Tenet.

Legacy, Brady Leaf: Ryan Leaf's younger brother throws late interception as Oregon gets upset by Oklahoma. Seems appropriate for this time of year to discuss a turnover involving a new Leaf.

Bowled Over, Andrew Bain and Khalil Jones: Miami players rendered woozy in brawl following 40-3 rout at hands of LSU. So at least we know of two Hurricanes who can't deny they're sore losers.

California Glory, John Papadakis: Former USC linebacker could land the Trojans in hot water for recruiting prospective players at his Greek restaurant. We've heard dozens of silly recruiting scandals, but this one truly seems to be about tripe.

Standing Ovation, Michigan Wolverines: Cap off the wildest bowl game of the season by lateraling the ball seven times in one play. Amazingly, all the laterals were legal, offering further proof that Lloyd Carr has taught his team how to move backwards.

Perfect Moment, Global timekeepers: Add an extra second to the clock on New Year's Eve. This development was watched closely by Tony Siragusa, who, of course, is always interested in seconds.

Turbulance [sic], Tim Nardiello: U.S. Olympic skeleton team coach suspended amid sexual harassment allegations. Anticipating the need for a new skeleton coach, the USOC has already contacted Lindsay Lohan's personal trainer.

Good Morning America, Tanith Belbin: Champion ice dancer sworn in as an American citizen. The Canadian native will now be eligible for all the perks of U.S. citizenship, including competing in the Olympics and being spied on by the NSA.

Benched: Norv, Dick Vermeil, Tony Soprano's team, Tiger's search for just the right $40 million home, Auld Lang Syne.