Bundles Of . . . Misery

A Dissenting Voice

So short of sending the kids back into the fields, having more babies, inviting the neighbors to live with us or charging the kids rent, what's an overwhelmed parent to do?

Family therapist Neil Bernstein, who has offices in the District and Virginia, offers this simple advice: "Get a life."

For the record, he doesn't necessarily accept the study's conclusion that people with children are more depressed. Still, "What parents need to know and should take away from this is that it's important to look after your own mental health, not to live vicariously through your child," he said.

People should have their own interests and look after their relationships the same way they look after their children. And if it all seems too overwhelming, it's worth seeking help from a professional.

"Being a good parent does not mean being totally absorbed in your children," he said.

Bernstein, who has been treating Washington area children and families for 25 years and has grown children, cites his own experience.

"Not only did parenting not make me depressed, but it was without question the happiest years of my life," he says. "I wouldn't trade them for anything, and I couldn't imagine being anywhere near as comfortable or happy with myself had I not been a parent."

And for those who have chosen not to have children? Simon said her study validates that their choice might just be the healthiest one of all.

"At least if you're going to do it," she says to those contemplating parenthood, "know what you're getting into."

Elizabeth Agnvall is a regular contributor to the Health section. E-mail:health@washpost.com