Everywhere You Go, Forgiveness Is in the Air

"I have no animosities," D.C. Council member Marion Barry declared at a news conference after reporting to police that two men had robbed him at his home Monday night. "I don't even want you prosecuted, really. I love you. Give yourself up. Call the police . . . I will do all I can to advocate non-prosecution."

-- From a Jan 4. news account,

The Washington Post

The former mayor's outpouring of understanding toward a pair of armed robbers last week caused a flood of forgiveness across the nation, as victimized Americans everywhere asked themselves: What Would Marion Do?

The Choctaw tribe: "Mr. Abramoff, we still love you. People keep overlooking that you did a lot of great work for us. So you charged us millions. So you called us 'monkeys' behind our backs. That water? Under the bridge. We're coming to your sentencing on those bribery, fraud and corruption charges and telling the world that no one has done more for Indian gaming than Jack Abramoff. We'll do everything we can to make your prison stay as short as possible. Is it legal to fly the parole board out for a night at the tables? Wait, never mind, you're busy, we'll check it out on our own."

Jennifer Aniston: "Brad, I just want to thank you for a tremendous 4 1/2 years of marriage. I hope that we can always remain close friends, and I don't blame you at all for leaving me for Angelina. I mean just look at her! She's GORGEOUS!"

Ray Nagin and the residents of New Orleans: "Look, the Big Easy doesn't hold a grudge. Seriously, it was our own fault. Who lives in a city that has so many places below sea level? Who expects timely and well-coordinated government relief? What were we thinking? We were naive, and we just want to apologize to Michael Brown for the shabby way he was treated."

Valerie Plame: "I would just like to say to everyone that I'm very sorry I ever worked for the CIA. I realize that this mess is my fault -- I never wanted to be a '-gate.' I should have just told people I was undercover. To anyone who may have leaked my name and hurt my career, I want to say that I forgive you, and that I take full responsibility for choosing that career in the first place."

Red Sox fans: "Johnny, thanks for all those great years with us, all four of them. We wish you nothing but success with the Yankees. Sure, you would have attained demigod status if you had stayed in Boston -- how does Damon Square sound? -- but you had to look out for your financial interests. It was a sweet deal, and we completely understand why you would put money above loyalty. Don't worry about the Red Sox Nation; we'll probably have to play with just eight players on the field most games, but that's okay. We even love the haircut!"

Charles Darwin: "If what I have said or written has made anyone uncomfortable, I apologize. I went on a cruise and kept a diary; the downfall of Western civilization was the furthest thing from my mind. Let's face it, most kids are napping or text-messaging through the typical biology class. If you think you can hold their interest by showing them holes in the theory of evolution, I say go for it."

Butterstick (aka Tai Shan): "I'm glad that the zoo gives me a chance to share my cuteness with people, and I'm glad to help the zoo in any way I can. I know I'm supposed to be happy and not show any bitterness about my confinement, or that I'm not getting a cut of the mint they're making off of me or that I'm going to be torn away from my Mommy and Daddy and shipped to China in a couple of years. Well, I'm NOT happy. I want to be free, people! Free to dance through Dupont Circle, free to play Frisbee on the National Mall, free to hang with my friend Marion Barry in the 'hood. I'm no victim! Forgive? Forget it. I'm the 'Stick, baby! Do you know how many times I've been on the front page of The Post? Do you?"

A uthor's e-mail : paujwill@gmail.com

Paul Williams, a freelance writer living in Arlington, had nothing to do with robbing Marion Barry, but he hopes that Barry loves him, too.