Something's Brewing in Seattle, But It Ain't on the Football Field

By Tony Kornheiser
Monday, January 9, 2006

What's Seattle got going for it anyway? It rains all the time there. Stay more than three days and mold begins to form on your feet. Either that, or Mount St. Helens spews all over you. (Which, I concede, may be better than Sean Taylor doing it.)

Excuse me, Tony, but Seattle is the home of Starbucks and Microsoft.

That's swell. Very manly item, a venti caramel macchiato. And how terrifying can anything with "soft" in its name be? Don't even talk to me about "Pearl Jam ."

Is Seattle a football town? Hardly. The Seahawks came into the NFL in 1976. That's 30 years. In all that time they've never made the Super Bowl, and only once made a conference championship game -- where they got crushed by the Raiders. They were so bad in the AFC, they got punted to the NFC a few years ago. Their entire history is about failing.

Here is their all-time playoff record: 3-7. That stinks. Here is the last time the Seahawks won a playoff game: 1984! Hahaha. (They're like the Boulez of the NFL.) You know who was the tight end on that team? Mike Tice. Think he ever took the team on a boat cruise of Puget Sound?

Go ahead, name a famous Seahawks coach, I dare you. Other than Steve Largent, who were their famous players? Jim Zorn? Dave Krieg? Yeah, like those two have Canton written all over them. So now they have Matt Hasselbeck. So what? Is his wife the hot chick on "The View"? No, that's his brother's wife. Tim. The one who played here!

The Redskins beat Seattle once already this season. They can do it again. Okay, Mark Brunell probably will need to get more than the 41 yards passing he got against Tampa Bay. (That's not a misprint, boys and girls, that's for the whole game.) That was horrible. My dog Maggie could have gotten more than 41 yards by the half. But you remember how the 49ers smelled like dinner? Here's the news unfiltered: The Seahawks smell like coffee. Grind 'em up.

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