Inviting Trouble

Jon Tapper: Hi, I'm Erin's boss. You should know it's not just celebrities. The party is open to the public. I can make sure you're invited.

Me: I don't want to be invited. Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll start with a softball question. Is Olives a good restaurant, and why?

Jon: Olives is a fantastic restaurant! It features award-winning Tuscan cuisine from Chef Todd English! See, people want Tuscany because . . .

Me: Yeah, yeah. Does the restaurant care that the little lambs whose crispy ribs they are serving probably died screaming?

Jon:

Me: Well?

Jon: If you're ordering Todd's new crispy lamb ribs, which really are fantastic, you're thinking about the lamb on your plate and not how it got there.

Me: Let's talk about the Belvedere Sunset. What is in it, how good does it taste, and how much does it cost?

Jon: It has Belvedere citrus vodka, Grand Marnier, elder flower nectar -- which is similar to honeysuckle -- cranberry juice and fresh lime. It will be free at the party, but Olives is probably going to be charging $12 for it afterward. I predict it is going to be the drink of the year for 2006. It tastes like watching a sunset over a beautiful beach.

Me: Swell. So, I have an idea. What if Olives tells its fancy guests that the restaurant will donate $12 to Katrina relief for every patron who will say he was going to order a Belvedere Sunset but just has a nice glass of water instead? Wouldn't that be great? Can I put that in the newspaper?

Jon:

Me: One more question. How do you think your average GI in Iraq, who is having trouble getting sufficient body armor to protect him from sicko suicide bombers who are intent on destroying what they see as the decadent, Western lifestyle would feel about Olives hosting an opulent New Year's Eve party, making windfall profits that could instead be going to help our troops stay alive?

Jon: Well, actually, I just returned from six months in Afghanistan.

Me: You did?

Jon: Yeah. I was working with coalition forces and the Afghan government to set up a communications section over there. It was the most rewarding work I've ever done.

Me: But . . .

Jon: I was there during July 4th and Memorial Day, and I knew my friends and family back home were having fun, and I didn't begrudge them that. I was jealous I couldn't be with them. I know they were thinking about me, just as everyone in America on New Year's Eve will be thinking about the troops.

Me:

Jon: Hello?

Me: You just ruined my column.

Jon: I did?

Me: You won, fair and square. Now I'll never get my name off that stupid PR list.

Jon: I'm sorry.

Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.