'Tristan & Isolde'? It's, Like, Soooo Totally Tragic . . . but in a Hot Way

Okay, so there's this movie? Called "Tristan & Isolde"? The title sounded, like, really super familiar, I think because there was a musical or opera that that "Austin Powers" guy Robert Wagner wrote or starred in or something.

Anyway, now there's this movie. And that guy James Franco, who played James Dean on the TV miniseries? He's in it, and so's this really cute British girl named Sophia Myles? And she kept reminding me of Kate Winslet, but sort of an anorexic Kate Winslet? Which made me think how awesome Kate Winslet is. She, like, totally deserved the Oscar for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," IMHO.

Anyway, there's this movie. "Tristan & Isolde." And Franco plays this guy Tristan? Who sees his whole family, like, murdered during the Dark Ages in England, except it isn't England yet because all the tribes are warring and the Irish -- the Irish! -- are always getting medieval on them, which, you know, kind of makes sense. Anyway, Tristan is adopted by this really cool Lord named Marke -- who's played by another Brit guy named Rufus Sewell -- and Marke basically raises Tristan like the son he never had because he lives with his sister and his nephew and never got around to dating or anything. So Tristan grows up to be this "Survivor"-worthy kind of warrior guy who is always taking it to the Irish and getting up in their grill.

So the guys over in what-will-someday-be-England and the Irish are arch-rivals, right? Except that sometimes it's hard to tell them apart. I finally came up with a system: The Irish had better jewelry, but the English had better hair product. Anyway, over in Ireland, there's this really cool princess named Isolde, who's played by Kate Wins -- sorry, Sophia Myles -- and she's actually not a bad person, it's just that her dad, the king, is kind of a loser. I mean, he looks just like Jeff Daniels did in that movie "The Squid and the Whale" and he's about as good a father, IMHO.

So, there's all this fighting and brogues and torch-lit angst and stuff, and after one of the battles Tristan is put on a funeral boat, except, wait for it , he totally isn't dead! His boat winds up on Isolde's front beach and she nurses him back to health and of course they fall in love--the hot monkey kind, not the courtly kind.

Anyway, you know how I'm always feeling psychic, like Patricia Arquette on "Medium" except without the impossibly cute and understanding husband? Well, I just had this weird feeling that things weren't going to work out for them. And after Tristan gets better and goes back to Lord Marke and his peeps, I have only one word for you: irony. But not the fun, Jon Stewarty kind. The really, really sad kind where knights are forced to choose between passion and duty and ladies are forced into gross arranged marriages and people are forced to wear really scratchy knitwear. It's allsuper Arthurian, IMHO. But even though you can see it coming, this director Kevin Reynolds just makes the whole thing drag on and on and on and on. (Some guy next to me kept muttering, "What do you expect from the guy who made 'Waterworld'?")

Anyway, if I had to sum up "Tristan & Isolde" for a term paper -- which I fully intend to suggest to Mr. Craft when I see him after study hall -- I'd say it's like "Braveheart" without the face paint, "Shrek" except the Lord Farquaad character is a sweetheart, and "Freaks and Geeks" because James Franco is so hot, even in Orlando Bloomy ringlets. I guess I'd also say it's a WBesque take on an epic Brythonic narrative with possible Pictish roots. And, most important, it's further proof that good product trumps everything , even good jewelry.

IMHO.

Tristan & Isolde ( 125 minutes, at area theaters) is rated PG-13 for intense battle sequences and sexuality.