Confessions of a Ringer

Below the Beltway
(Eric Shansby)
By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, January 22, 2006

FOR MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION this year, I promised to stop making crank calls to customer service reps. Fortunately, I made these calls in December.

Animal Crackers

Me: I have a suggestion. You should put a new animal in the box. The cuttlefish.

Victoria: A cuttlefish. Okay, I'm going to put that down.

Me: I belong to the Swedenborgian Gymnosophist Christa-delphian sect, a little-known offshoot of the Transcendental Theosophism movement. We worship cuttlefish, and I think it would be an important act of religious tolerance for Nabisco to respect our faith by including this important animal.

Victoria: Absolutely.

Me: I implore you, please do not discriminate against Swedenborgian Gymnosophist Christadelphians just because cuttlefish resemble phlegm.

Victoria: I will pass your suggestion to appropriate staff.

Me: Wow, you really stay on message.

Victoria: Your feedback is greatly appreciated.

Dawn dish detergent

Me: I notice the instructions on your label are written in both English and Spanish, but you do not include my native Latvian. I am deeply offended.

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