By Tony Kornheiser
Monday, January 23, 2006
So today at 2 p.m. the Redskins will introduce their newest multimillion-dollar baby of an assistant coach, Al Saunders, whose biography can be found by clicking on www.RichGuyAssistant.com/Offense/NotNamedBugel.
After Saunders is finished bringing in his own staff to teach this new offense that only he understands, this will give the already top-heavy Redskins 53 assistant coaches, and will enable those 53 to scrimmage against the 53 players on the active roster. From now on the Redskins will travel to games in two planes -- one for the players, and one for the assistant coaches. First class in the coaches' plane will be reserved for Joe Gibbs, Al Saunders, Gregg Williams, Joe Bugel and their personal accountants. (Because there's not enough room on the bench for all these coaches, during home games up to 20 assistants will be required to sit in obstructed view seats at FedEx Field.)
Saunders is expected to be up in the booth, sending plays down, unfiltered, to Gibbs, who now appears to have nothing really to do during the game but look like he's in charge. Late in a blowout game he might hand out discounted tickets to Six Flags. Sadly, the arrival of Saunders in the booth means there's no longer room for the old vaudeville duo of Breaux and Burns, who will now become the new morning drive team on Dan Snyder's radio stations. If that doesn't work out, they could wind up at Snyder's estate planting saplings.
Seriously, what will Gibbs do? Williams and his assistants control the defense. Saunders and his assistants will handle the offense. Bugel is in charge of motivation and profanity. This leaves Gibbs sort of like the CEO in that cell phone ad, who brags that his new phone plan -- much like Gibbs's abundance of high-profile assistants -- allows him to "stick it to the man."
"But you are the man," his assistant says. "So aren't you sticking it to yourself?"