Dear Sir, We See From Your Files . . .

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The DOJ should not be in the business of threatening American enterprises, particularly one as beloved as Google, the people's search engine. Especially when taxpayers pay your salaries -- salaries that, at least in your four-person office, are apparently going largely to subsidize (according to our tracking cookies) a minimum of four hours daily of eBay auctions (James Llewellyn and Carol Santana, both GS-14) and SpongeBob Collapse (Martha Stanhope, GS-13).

David Miller, Google

David Miller,

Twice last month your VW Passat went through the Ninth Street Toll Plaza -- 11:04 p.m. on 12/26 and then, in the opposite direction, at 4:31 a.m., 12/27 -- with a fetching young passenger whose retinal scan does not appear to match that of Donna Weinstein-Miller, your wife of seven years and mother of your twins, Emma and Jedediah.

Turn over the records.

B. Tutley, DOJ

Mr. Tutley,

For a man whose Google searches the past six months have included the terms personal bankruptcy, bankruptcy lawyer, Chapter 11 and Azerbaijan hotties (btw, the "and" is superfluous), you're in no position to muscle us, or to demand a peek at the personal information of others.

D. Miller

P.S. A "Google Alert" is a great way to generate automatic e-mails alerting you to up-to-the-minute news about favorite topics -- say, Azerbaijan hotties. Go to http://www.google.com , type in "google alert" and follow the instructions.

Miller,

How many fingers do I have up?