All the Right People

The first speech was reportedly given by the outgoing Alfalfa Club president, Sen. Jim Sasser (D-Tenn.). We do not know what he said because we were not there.

But next we heard that Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky spoke as the incoming president. According to an excerpt of his remarks, McConnell told the audience that it was an honor to have been selected as president of the club. "I also want to thank the man upstairs," he reportedly said. "I'm talking of course about the NSA agent who's listening to all of this."

To President Bush, McConnell said: "Mr. President, it is good to see you. I was distressed to read press reports that there was a rift between you and your father and that you are now speaking only at Bush family functions such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, the Alfalfa dinner and invading Iraq."

We assumed they laughed because it was a pretty funny line. Get it: Iraq has been a family affair.

McConnell continued, according to the excerpt: "I want to acknowledge my wife, our nation's secretary of labor, Elaine Chao. . . . And she is the motivation for what will be my platform as president of the Alfalfa Club. It is time we take our culture of cronyism and replace it with a different culture. A new culture, a better culture. It's time we replace a culture of cronyism with a culture of nepotism. Alfalfans one. Alfalfans all: Ask not what this club can do for you. Ask what this club can do for your family."

More applause, we can assume. Cheers, surely.

Then we are told that Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) was to give a "surprise" speech given jokingly each year by the Alfalfa Club nominee for president of the United States. We could not find out what he said.

But we are told it was Bush, who is getting ever funnier, who stole the show.

"It's always interesting going through the Alfalfa seating chart to see who's here," Bush was to have told the audience, according to a working script. "There are a number of Bushes present.

"My dad, Ole 41, is with us. A little earlier as we were getting ready, Dad was talking to Jeb, Marvin and me. Surrounded by his sons, he got a little choked up. Amidst the tears, he said, 'Boys, this evening would be perfect if only your new brother Bill Clinton could've been here.' "

Then Bush must have paused. "Mom's here. Mom, you got in any trouble lately?"

Bush congratulated Rice. "Glad Secretary Rice could be here. She just returned from a fact-finding mission to New Hampshire and Iowa." Then, turning to Rumsfeld, he reportedly said: "And we have with us tonight a man who understands the importance of a strong defense, a man who's an institution, a leader among men. Not you, Rummy. Joe Paterno. Joe, would you stand? Great to see you."