ASK AMY

Mom on the Side

Regardless of whether or not this sleeping arrangement bothers you, I'm going to tell you why it bothers me. The opinions of friends and family aside, the most worrying thing you have done is to convey to your child that sleeping on her own is just too alienating and perhaps frightening to bear.

Children lying in their own beds at night wind down from their days and learn how to process their own anxieties. You want for your daughter to be strong and independent, right? And yet, she doesn't feel independent -- even in her own home. You manage to blame her father for her sleeping issue, which is a terrible idea, because you are the head of your household and have been for years.

Your daughter won't sleep alone until you decide that you want her to and commit to the process.

You could start by letting her pick out some new bedding and perhaps a fun night light for her room. Explain to her that she's growing up and you want for her to sleep in her own bed. Let her read by flashlight if she wants to, or perhaps listen to a calming CD. You will have to lead her back to her room many times in that first week, but as long as you are calm and good-natured, she will see that she isn't being punished, but that you trust her to do well. When she has mastered sleeping in her own bed, you could help her to plan to host her own sleepover with a few friends, if she is interested.

Dear Amy:

I work full time and have a 6-month-old daughter. My husband works shifts, so he also can look after her, but my mother and mother-in-law also take care of my daughter.

Recently, my mother-in-law, who lives very close to us and until now used to baby-sit for our daughter the most, had some health scares. The problem is that she won't acknowledge that she is not fine and insists on looking after my daughter.

How can I tell her that she is incapable of looking after a 6-month-old child because of her health? She is very stubborn and won't listen to any of us. She just ignores her doctors. All of the members of her family are unhealthy because of poor diets, drinking and being inactive.

How can we persuade her to start looking after herself and not after our daughter?

Mimoza

You are your baby's mom. You need to make choices that are best for your child. Even if taking care of a 6-month-old might possibly be manageable; taking care of a 10- to 14-month-old baby would be extremely taxing for someone who isn't well. Babies who aren't yet walking are wiggly dead weight and require a ton of strength and energy.

You should make other child-care arrangements, and let your mother-in-law know that she is off the hook for baby-sitting, but that you want her to come and visit on a regular schedule. Let her know that you are worried about her and that when her health improves you'll talk about resuming the baby-sitting, but only when you're sure that she is feeling better.

Write to Amy Dickinson ataskamy@tribune.com.

2006by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.