Spotting An Oil Addict: A Crude Guide

In light of President Bush's declaration in the State of the Union address that "America is addicted to oil," here's a list of warning signs that a loved one may have a problem:

· Keeps saying, "I can stop my SUV anytime I want."

· Characterizes habit as simply "social driving."

· Buys drugstore needles for "fuel injections."

· Wants to send daughter to Quaker State.

· Hidden inside teenage son's copy of Penthouse: a well-thumbed issue of Petroleum Digest.

· When they talked about a higher power at the 12-step meeting, thought they meant premium unleaded.

· Wakes up in a pool of own light sweet crude.

· Cans of 5W-40 hidden in underwear drawer.

· Can't kick the minivan habit even after the kids have left for college.

· There's a "Mr. OPEC" on the phone, saying he just scored some "really potent" black gold.

-- Mark Leibovich and Style staff