Ad Nauseum

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By Joel Achenbach
Sunday, February 5, 2006

[Broadcast joined in progress . . . ]

...Coming up: the Fritos Halftime Spectacular, featuring the Energizer Battery Live Performance by the Rolling Stones. Dan, you're a Stones fan, right? Isn't it great that they're "still going" after all these years?

-- I saw the band in rehearsal yesterday, Bob, they're still amazingly loud. You're going to love their opening number, "Start Me Up," where Mick Jagger starts a Toro riding lawn mower and then actually mows the turf right there at midfield.

-- And then Keith Richards has the medical procedure?

-- The blood transfusion, that's right. Live onstage. Sponsored by [squawking] AFLAC.

-- What a show! More on that in a moment, Dan, but now we've got third and short. They need less than a yard for the first down. About the length of six Lite beers from Miller placed end to end.

-- Bob, I think it's a bit longer than that. I'd say as long as 17 iPod Nanos.

-- Power formation, two tight ends. Defense showing blitz. Gleeber stands over center . . . takes the snap, rolls right, like Right Guard unscented roll-on antiperspirant . . . now flips the ball to Euphesians, he can run like a Budweiser Clydesdale, but no! He wants to pass! Looking toward the AutoZone End Zone! Caught for a touchdown and Motel 6 points!

-- Can't wait to see that again on the Minute Rice Instant Replay, Bob.

-- We'll do that after these commercial messages!

[Aerial shot: Luxury car on winding road through forest. Announcer: "Introducing the new Galactica, from Lexus. With trapezoidal suspension, quad-cam reverse-stroke transmission, rear-mounted antiaircraft guns, and Klingon cloaking device, this is the luxury ride you've always dreamed of. Wow your friends, or simply press the Vanish button and disappear completely. Now you see it . . ." (car vanishes) ". . . now you don't."]

[Interior shot of workers dancing at corporate office. Unintelligible dialogue. Manager upset. Workers return to desks. Someone gets a paper cut, blood pools on floor. Victim, "dead," is placed in casket. Casket now seen rolling toward oven door at crematorium. Colleague produces Office Depot coupon, opens coffin and uses coupon to bandage wound. Worker is revived. Dancing resumes.]


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