Love And Money

Can someone change? Sure, but it won't be easy. That's why you need to have the money conversation before you say "I do." Don't ignore the huge red flags waving in your face (he "refused to compromise"). If your fiance won't even come to the table to talk, you have big problems. Communication is first of the three C's in a relationship.

If your partner is shutting you down whenever you want to talk money, you have three choices: Stay and put up with the differences and the eventual conflicts. Walk. Or run for help.

If you want to stay, get help. Here's where you might find counseling:

· Your church or religious organization. An increasing number of churches are offering premarital programs. Look for a program that includes a comprehensive session on money management, including covering the emotional issues about merging your money.

· Check with your benefits office at work. Many employee-benefit packages include referrals to counseling services. You may find that your employee-assistance program covers premarital counseling.

· Professional organizations. You can find a therapist in your area by contacting professional organizations for counseling. For example, more than 15,000 marriage and family therapists are listed on the Web site for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy ( http://www.aamft.org/ ). The Financial Recovery Institute specializes in helping individuals and couples with money issues. Demand is so high for such services that the institute provides counseling by telephone. In addition to dealing with the emotional issues of money, the institute teaches basic money-management skills.

· A credit-counseling agency. Individuals often seek help from such agencies for debt consolidation, but these organizations can also provide financial counseling. For an agency near you, go to http://www.debtadvice.org/ .

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Before you get your marriage license, you need to get three important documents: all three of your credit reports from the major credit bureaus and all three (yes, you have three) of your credit scores. Once you have the reports and scores in hand, set up a time to swap them with each other.

When I suggest that couples share their credit reports, people often gasp. They giggle. They roll their eyes.

During one church-sponsored premarital counseling course I attended, the instructor began the personal-finance session by telling the couples they would be required to exchange credit reports. Before this announcement, the couples had been joking and laughing. After it, they all fell silent. They stared at the counselors with looks that ranged from "No problem" to "Are you stark-raving mad?"

"You love me, right?" one young woman asked her fiance.