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Another Super Bowl Record: Most Jokes About Divorce

By Norman Chad
Monday, February 6, 2006

Super Bowl Sunday had a little of everything: Terrible Towels, MVPs on parade, The Whopperettes, an instant-replay reversal, Cheesy Bites, "We have a Code Black," repeated and annoying Radio Shack ads, "Satisfaction," a gadget-play touchdown, ABC's NFL swan song, The Bus's Last Ride, Fabio and, of course, a game for all ages.

Anyway, I took notes:

3:14 p.m. Eastern time: Bill Belichick looked as comfortable on the pregame set as a turkey the night before Thanksgiving.

3:52: Note to August Busch IV (whom I affectionately call AB2{+2}): You can blah blah blah all you want about Budweiser Select, but I'm only pushing Rolling Rock up the hill.

4:07: I didn't know Jerome Bettis was from Detroit.

4:48: Those "Grey's Anatomy" promos almost scared me back to radio.

5:02: At my last MLS Cup party, we had a drinking game involving corner kicks.

5:23: I don't know why, but I thought Belichick might eventually do shadow puppets.

6:21: Something tells me that future civilizations will look back at our Super Bowl ceremonial coin tosses with a degree of derision.

6:29: The phone rings moments after kickoff -- it's my second ex-wife, asking me what I'm doing. Man, she's got to let it go.

6:43: Sadly, I realize that the most complex and rewarding relationship I've ever had as an adult is with John Madden.

6:51: I used to have wavy locks like Troy Polamalu, but my co-workers at the cookie factory made me cut them.

6:59: It's all about interior line play, my friends, interior line play. And turnovers.

7:16: If Osama bin Laden were ever going to slip into America unnoticed, I'd bet it would be during the second quarter of the Super Bowl.

7:22: Mike Holmgren calls his own plays. I tried that during my first marriage -- it doesn't work.

7:26: One drawback to HDTV -- Bill Cowher's chin literally juts into your living room.

7:35: Ben Roethlisberger reminds me of a taller, slower whirling dervish!

8:06: The Rolling Stones were three and out. (A Don Mischer Production.)

8:18: Actually, I'm surprised the Stones didn't miss their flight, considering Keith Richards often sets off metal detectors in airports he's not even in.

8:29: If I were married at the moment, that halftime lasted just long enough for a separation and a divorce.

8:32: One moment I'm in the kitchen getting Fritos, the next moment Willie Parker's in the secondary getting free.

8:40: The game is two hours old and I still can't believe the Colts aren't in it.

9:01: Madden: "What do you think they were looking at that they made him take his pants down?" (That is uncut and verbatim -- context not important.)

9:14: Is Al Michaels really going to ESPN next season? That would be like Sinatra playing a Ramada Inn.

9:22: TBS is running a "Yes, Dear" marathon, figuring that if you don't want to watch the Super Bowl, you really don't want to watch anything on TV.

9:28: Antwaan Randle El to Hines Ward! I would've missed it if I hadn't set up a mini-fridge next to the beanbag chair.

9:33: Hey, I love Matt Hasselbeck, but if he keeps throwing picks and fumbling balls, he's going to be looking at CareerBuilder.com sooner than later.

9:36: Scratch the fumble -- replay changed it.

9:36:30: If they used instant replay back in the '70s, I'd bet you Watergate plays out differently.

9:59: The Steelers made three plays all day; the Knicks do that and lose by 15.

10:01: Frankly, the Seahawks should've put their 12th man on the field. But the officials would've flagged them for it.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Doesn't it bother you that the Big Ten has 11 members, the Atlantic 10 has 14 members, the Big East has Midwestern schools Notre Dame, DePaul and Marquette, the Ohio Valley Conference doesn't have a team from Ohio and the Southern Conference actually contains a North Division? (Paul Martin; Dayton, Ohio)

A. Well, sure, now that you mention it.

Q. Any chance we'll see "Monday Night Poker" on ABC starting next fall? (Marty Chase; Chevy Chase)

A. It just got green-lighted last week, and, as we speak, Hank Williams Jr. is putting the final touches on "Are You Ready For Some Hold 'Em?!?"

Q. I recently attended a social gathering and a brouhaha broke out over who was smarter: Charlie Rose or Pete Rose. We would welcome your input. (Joel Miller; Pittsburgh)

A. I would lean toward Charlie Rose, if only because he's never bet jai alai.

Q. Tennis gave us the elbow, turf the toe. Any injuries unique to your marriages? (Mark A. Sparacino; Franklin, Wis.)

A. Separation anxiety.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. E-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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