Soon-to-Be Frequently Asked Questions

Q. Tony, everyone knows you go to bed by 9:30 p.m. How are you going to stay up for "Monday Night Football?"

A. Because like millions of other aging baby boomers Ihaven't watched a full Monday night game in 20 years, I have asked the league to change the start times to 6 p.m. and rename the telecast "The Monday Night Early Bird."

Q. Seriously, how are you going to stay up for the whole game?

A. I'm not sure I will. I've listened to Joe Theismann talk so much over the last 25 years, both in person and on television, it's possible I'll just zone out.

Q. Are you supposed to be the next Howard Cosell?

A. I'll let you know as soon as the glue on the hairpiece dries.

Q. How are you going to get to these games? Everyone knows you hate to fly.

A. By bus. It's my plan to steal John Madden's bus.

Q. Won't Madden need his bus for Sunday Night Football?

A. Now that he's in the Hall of Fame, he'll probably start taking limos to games. But if worse comes to worst, I'll work a deal with Jerome Bettis. Maybe his parents can drive me. What else do they have to do now that he's retiring?

Q. Some of these trips are hellaciously long. It's four days nonstop to Seattle and San Diego. What do you think you'll do on the bus for all that time?

A. I'll do what I always do: complain. It's going to be awful on that bus. It will be a rolling prison. Only an imbecile would take a bus to all these games. I intend to sit on the bus and call my friends and complain vigorously to them.

Q. Have any of your friends offered to ride with you?

A. Yeah, but they all want the Baltimore game or the Philadelphia game.

Q. If you can't stay up, and you hate the idea of riding the bus, why would you take the job? Why not turn it down?

A. What, and get out of show business?