Making Sense . . . of Recent Events
If the news has no reason, at least it can rhyme

By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, February 12, 2006

Sure, the news is bad.

But, cheer up. It could be verse.

On a New Study Revealing Reading Deficiencies in Recent College Graduates

For a full two-third, the printed word

Presents a total mystery.

Facts and concepts all get blurred

-- Whether science, math or history.

I'm here to say they need a way

To see their plight and mend it.

But what good is this commu-

nique

If they cannot comprehend it?

I think I know just how to go

To reach the dumb and young:

You must address them as below

(i.e., in their native tongue):

If ur fine with earning dimes

Serving burgers or falafel,

Then, WTF, stick to IMs

OK? LOL, :) ROFL!

On the Curious Case Of Lobbyist Jack Abramoff

He swindled Indians, fleeced their tribes

And spread some cash that looked like bribes.

In bills and laws this guy was meddling.

It sounds a lot like influence peddling.

He copped a plea, and the pols went nuts,

Running to cover their ample butts.

They sent back cash they were shocked to find

Was from this guy! It had slipped their mind!

Now the congressmen, who look like fools,

Have gone to work to change the rules

-- To make it harder to be bought.

(Or maybe harder to be caught.)

With pigs and pork at all the troughs,

They're fearing future Abramoffs!

Sounds like words from a felon's pen --

"Stop me before I swill again."

Richard the Cryin'-Hearted

Pity poor Richard, the scheming nudist

On the first "Survivor" show.

He was the smartest, he was the rudest,

And he won a load of dough.

But Richard failed to share the loot

With the taxman, or declare it.

This oversight was not astute,

Since millions saw him snare it.

He came to court before too long

Completely naked, in a way.

He said that he had meant

no wrong,

That he'd just forgot to pay.

I am the dumbest

man alive,

He told the

jury, with a

stammer.

They rolled their

eyes, and said:

Survive

A few years in the

slammer.

Jesus on Trial, (or What Rhymes With Christianity?)

In Italy, a man filed suit to challenge Christianity.

He wants a priest to prove for sure that Jesus did exist.

If you cannot, he smirked, with a self-satisfied urbanity

Those Sunday sermons that you give? Cease, padre, and desist.

Now you might think that such a suit is just an act of vanity

-- A hostile, atheistic stunt that's best to be ignored.

You overestimate the likes of Blitzer, Zahn and Hannity

The TV types were flogging it -- the whole galumphing horde.

It might be fun to be in court to witness this inanity,

But not to be the guy from whom a ruling must be nudged.

The weight of error lies on him, as heavy as a manatee.

For some dude somewhere surely said: "Judge not, lest

ye be judged."

Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.

Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon at www.washingtonpost.com