It's Oscar Time and the Stars Are Revealed in All Their Glory

Most of the buzz about Vanity Fair's hyper-hyped photo essay "Tom Ford's Hollywood" focuses on the cover picture, which features actress Scarlett Johansson's doughy, cherubic keister, white as a fish belly.

But personally I prefer the surrealistically goofy photo inside that shows a bosom the size of a zeppelin perched on a golf course, threatening Garth Fisher, MD, who is not only a hotshot Hollywood plastic surgeon but also a guy who played a hotshot Hollywood plastic surgeon on ABC's "Extreme Makeover."

But that's just one man's opinion. You may prefer the shot of Angelina Jolie lying in a bathtub in what looks like lime Jell-O, displaying the various tattoos on her back, one of which inexplicably says "Know Your Rights," although that's hardly the most interesting part of her. Or maybe you'd prefer . . .

But wait a minute. First, a little background info: What we're talking about is Vanity Fair's annual Hollywood issue. For 12 years, the magazine's March issue has celebrated Oscar month with a gallery of glossy photos of Hollywood stars. Last year, VF's editor, Graydon Carter, was dining with famous designer Tom Ford, the former creative director of Gucci. After a few martinis, Ford told Carter that the magazine's Hollywood photos were getting boring.

"Why don't you come in and do it next year?" Carter replied.

And Ford agreed to do just that.

Which is apparently a very big deal. Judging by the heaping helpings of gushing prose about Ford in the mag, getting this dude to supervise your Hollywood photo shoot is like getting Michelangelo to paint your rec room ceiling. Not only is Ford "the man who rescued Gucci from oblivion," he's also a former model and "a glamorous throwback figure who keeps his crisp white shirts unbuttoned down to here."

The shirt thing is true, as proven by the many photos of Ford in the mag, including the cover shot, which shows him perched next to the naked Johansson while nuzzling the ear of the naked Keira Knightley. (Nice work if you can get it.) With his long sideburns, his facial stubble and his acres of chest hair, Ford definitely has style. Unfortunately, it's the style of a cheeseball disco-era lounge lizard.

But that's irrelevant to the question at hand, which is: Did Ford succeed in pepping up the moribund Hollywood issue?

The answer is: Yes. And he did it the old-fashioned way -- by persuading the stars to get naked and/or do weird things on camera.

So we get a photo of actor Viggo Mortensen kneeling by a bed, twiddling the red-painted toes of an unidentified woman.

And a Helmut Newtonesque photo of actress Sienna Miller, sprawled across a white leather chair wearing nothing but a thong, high heels and some bling.