Spinoff Titles From the Abramoff Scandal

By Al Kamen
Wednesday, February 15, 2006

And now, the winners in the Name the Abramoff Scandal Contest.

Entries arrived from around the world in what may have been the highest participation ever for a creative contest (as opposed to, say, a lottery on how many congressional seats may be lost or picked up in an election). Many entries, of course, were tasteless variants on Jack's name, which we excluded.

The winners:

· "Wretched Access," submitted by D.C. lawyer Hank Wallace , who also trains people to "write and speak like the news." Wallace's other entry: "Tribery," combining "tribes" and "bribery."

· There were many variations on troglodytes -- the name Abramoff used to refer to his Native American clients. Abramoff was heard telling acquaintances that if he were to enter this contest, he would submit "Troglogate." So, as an exception to our admonition against "-gate" entries, we'll declare him a winner, too.

· Abramoff's spectacular, daring Nuovo Mafioso look at his federal court appearance here generated another common theme. In that category we have "Fedora Flim-Flam," submitted on deep background by "a prominent Washington attorney."

· "Bribeshead Revisited" -- former undersecretary of defense Edwin Dorn , former dean and now a professor at the Lyndon B. Johnson School of Public Affairs at the University of Texas. Dorn credits the idea to Yvette Daoud , an official in the Dutch ministry of foreign affairs in The Hague.

· "Bribes 'n' Tribes" -- Neil Osterweil of Holliston, Mass., a journalist who covers health and medicine for MedPage Today.

· "Slots and Yachts" -- Matt McQuown , a student and writer from Boulder, Colo., who also suggested "D.C. Hold 'Em."

· "The Rouvelas Prophecy" -- submitted by Bri Held , who works for a nonprofit organization in Manhattan. Held recalled a Washington Post article that quoted Abramoff's former law partner, Manuel Rouvelas , as telling Abramoff in 2001 that: "If you're not careful, you will end up dead, disgraced or in jail."

· "Runaway Bribe" -- John Brandolino of Arlington.

· "Desperate House-Lives" -- a Takoma Park native who works at a lobbying firm.

· "I Don't Know Jack" -- a federal employee who works in an agency's legislative affairs shop. His rationale: "It's a phrase many members of Congress and their staffs would never have uttered previously but are now repeating to anyone who will listen."

· "The Influenceza Pandemic" -- Rockville lawyer Steve Bienstock .

· "The Signatures Syndrome" (after Abramoff's now-closed restaurant) -- "an unindicted Republican lobbyist."

Suggestions we liked that the judges didn't included "Trail of Lears" and, simply, "Our Town."

Thanks to our judges: Washington Post Style features editor Ann Gerhart , polling director Richard Morin and national staff writer David Finkel .

And thanks to all entrants, and congratulations to the winners.

No Contest at Veep's Expense

Note: Despite many suggestions, earnest requests, even poems, we have decided there will be no Loop contest to name Vice President Cheney 's hunting accident. The late-night big dogs and most every punster have already weighed in. Also, we don't want readers suffering from contest fatigue. Besides, by the time entries are in and judged, it's possible, just possible, Cheney will have publicly, in person, aired his regrets. Well, maybe not.

Making Lemonade From Birdshot

Spin of the Week prize goes to former Cheney spokeswoman Mary Matalin for this one: "He felt badly, obviously. On the other hand, he was not careless or incautious or violate any of the [rules]," she said. Though some -- hunting experts, a National Rifle Association affiliate, and the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department -- might think otherwise, Cheney "didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to do," she said.

No. Other than shoot someone in the face.

Is Brownie Invited?

Don't forget! Tonight, at the Tortilla Coast, "Please join the staff" of the House bipartisan committee investigating the fumbled response to Hurricane Katrina, our invitation reads, "As we celebrate the release of 'A Failure of Initiative.' "

The government failed. New Orleans drowned. Party on.

Easy Targets

And on Saturday, Cheney won't be there, but don't forget to wear your orange vests for a "Pheasant Hunt" "to support Scott Walker ," the executive of Milwaukee County running against Rep. Mark Green in the GOP primary for Wisconsin governor.

The hunt starts at 12:45 p.m. at the Wern Valley Hunt Club in Waukesha. "Cost: $500. Includes 10 birds, guide dogs, lunch, and campaign contribution." (Ambulance not included.) Y'all be careful now.

Catching Up . . .

Louisville lawyer Robert Irwin Cusick Jr. , has been tapped to fill the long-vacant (more than two years and counting) job of director of the Office of Government Ethics. He chairs the Kentucky Bar Association's ethics rule drafting committee and was on the association's ethics committee.

White House domestic policy chief Claude A. Allen , most recently seen in the president's box at the State of the Union speech, "has resigned to spend more time with his family," last week's announcement said. Allen was the administration's top-ranking African American aide and had worked for years for former senator Jesse Helms (R-N.C.).