Open Dialogue Is Key For Parents of Gay Son

Q.Last week my 18-year-old son told my husband and me that he thinks he is gay. We were stunned.

Our son is not very communicative, but he has always been a gentle, sensitive boy. He did have angry outbursts when he was younger and got upset over seemingly small matters but he outgrew that behavior. Now I wonder if his outbursts weren't related to some of these issues.

Although our son was tearful and physically shaking when he spoke to us, he definitely heard us say how much we loved him and would always love him, whether he was gay or not.

We never thought, though, that our son might be gay. We never had an inkling.

My husband and I have an appointment to see a therapist this week -- someone we know and trust -- to find out what we should do to help and support our son and also to support ourselves.

What else can we do? And how is someone sure that he -- or she -- is gay?

A.Gay men and lesbians usually know that they are homosexual by their teens because they are strongly attracted to people of their own sex. But that's not always the case.

Sometimes a group of junior high or high school girls will decide that they're lesbians for a semester or so and then change their minds when the fad goes away. And some adults change from heterosexual to bisexual to homosexual and back again over a 30-to-40-year period. But don't count on that.

In one significant study, 95 percent of high school students were sure of their sexual orientation by the time they hit 18.

Accept your son as he is today, or as he thinks he is, whatever his successes or setbacks and whatever his sexual identity, and tell him often that you love him because his self-confidence is sure to be low.

You only have to put yourself in his place to see why.

Adolescence is the time when boys and girls have a deep need to conform, to fit in, to be one of the crowd, but a gay person, hiding in the closet, can't help feeling isolated, alone and different from everyone else.