By Marguerite Kelly
Special to The Washington Post
Friday, February 17, 2006

Q.Last week my 18-year-old son told my husband and me that he thinks he is gay. We were stunned.

Our son is not very communicative, but he has always been a gentle, sensitive boy. He did have angry outbursts when he was younger and got upset over seemingly small matters but he outgrew that behavior. Now I wonder if his outbursts weren't related to some of these issues.

Although our son was tearful and physically shaking when he spoke to us, he definitely heard us say how much we loved him and would always love him, whether he was gay or not.

We never thought, though, that our son might be gay. We never had an inkling.

My husband and I have an appointment to see a therapist this week -- someone we know and trust -- to find out what we should do to help and support our son and also to support ourselves.

What else can we do? And how is someone sure that he -- or she -- is gay?

A.Gay men and lesbians usually know that they are homosexual by their teens because they are strongly attracted to people of their own sex. But that's not always the case.

Sometimes a group of junior high or high school girls will decide that they're lesbians for a semester or so and then change their minds when the fad goes away. And some adults change from heterosexual to bisexual to homosexual and back again over a 30-to-40-year period. But don't count on that.

In one significant study, 95 percent of high school students were sure of their sexual orientation by the time they hit 18.

Accept your son as he is today, or as he thinks he is, whatever his successes or setbacks and whatever his sexual identity, and tell him often that you love him because his self-confidence is sure to be low.

You only have to put yourself in his place to see why.

Adolescence is the time when boys and girls have a deep need to conform, to fit in, to be one of the crowd, but a gay person, hiding in the closet, can't help feeling isolated, alone and different from everyone else.

Imagine what it's like to hear all those homophobic jokes that ricochet through every high school every day, or to ask the girl next door to your senior prom when you really want to ask her brother.

It has taken great courage for your son to grow up gay and even greater courage for him to come out in the open, especially to the people he loves best. Some guys can never do that.

You and your husband can help your son enormously by being as open with him as he has been with you. It's okay to ask him if he has ever been sexually attracted to a girl or when he first suspected that he might be gay, because these are the kinds of questions you might ask any friend who told you he was gay.

You also need to tell your son that it is as important for homosexuals to use condoms as it is for heterosexuals, no matter how much he trusts his partner or his partner trusts him. No one has the right to sabotage another person's health.

You and your son should also contact the National Youth Advocacy Coalition at http://www.nyacyouth.org to find a reliable teen support group for gay males and lesbians, because he undoubtedly has questions that only other teenagers can answer.

Therapy should also be a good support for you and your husband, and possibly for your son, too, but only if the counselor is kind and experienced in this field. You'll probably get the best support of all, however, from PFLAG -- Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays -- as well as bisexual and transgendered people. Click on http://www.pflag.org to find the listings of hundreds of support groups and free meetings across the country.

To learn more from books, read "Lesbian & Gay Youth" by Caitlin Ryan and Donna Futterman (Columbia, $30.50), "Homosexuality and the Family," edited by Frederick W. Bozett (Harrington Park, $22.95) and "Lesbian and Gay Families Speak Out" by Jane Levy Drucker (Perseus, $16). These books will inform your mind and calm your fears.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.