LA DOLCE VITA

I'd like to tell you that on Day 11 of the Games, I'm sitting here analyzing Bode Miller's split times and trying to see the flaws in his game. But I'm actually watching a French ice dancing team perform a routine to "Les Miserables" wearing costumes that feature faux bloody bandages and powder burns , no doubt earned while storming the barricade at the breakfast buffet in the athletes' village.

I mean, really.

Ice dancing has been the highlight of these Games, no doubt. More campy than "Dynasty," more ugly sequined clothing than, well, "Dynasty" again, more catfights than . . . gotcha! men's speedskating. It's a train wreck choreographed by Twila Tharp, with costumes by Liberace. Nothing but giggles in a largely giggle-free Olympics.

Speaking of giggles, how about that cut-up Miller? He skied well in his second run of the men's giant slalom yesterday, moving up six spots, but still out of the medals. That's 0 for 4 if you're scoring at home, or as we in Washington call it, a "Guzman."

(Uh-oh, more ice dancing. Here comes Jana Khokhlova and Sergei Novitski. I once saw a 200-pound prostitute on the corner of 15th and L wearing a teddy, six-inch heels and a dangerous look, and if there were two seats open on the Metro, one next to her and one next to Jana, I'd choose the prostitute.)

Back to Miller. Sure, skiing is a sport of vagaries, and no one can win every race. Blah blah blah. I get all that. What I fail to understand is why this guy can't open his mouth without inserting not only his foot, but his ski boot -- with the ski still attached.

He blew off the world media in Sestriere after the race, but the Associated Press's Jim Litke chased him down on his walk back to his trailer home. And here's what the great American skiing hope and cover boy had to say:

"One of the good things about my career is I have such extensive knowledge, so I always go as hard as I can. Some guys can go 70, 80 percent and get results, but I wouldn't do that. If things went well, I could be sitting on four medals, maybe all of them gold."

Benjamin Raich of Austria has to be thrilled to learn that he just gives 70, 80 percent and people throw medals at him like they're M&Ms. That only Miller's excessive use of effort -- seriously, read the quote; that's what he said! -- allowed Raich to win the gold medal in the giant slalom.

(Hold on, here come the feuding Italian ice dancers. He speaks to her before the music begins; she eyes him coldly. Then they skate, and they are magic together. Afterward, she kneels on the ice and weeps, then holds out her arms to him. He lifts her, they kiss, they embrace, they kiss again, they embrace again, more kissing, more embracing, and weeping, always weeping. Oh, the exquisiteness of it all!)

Listen, all I'm saying about Miller and the U.S. ski team is that if you're going to call yourselves the best in the world, it would be a good idea to win more than one medal. How about "Best Outside the EU"? "Best in North America, Except for the Canadians"? Or "We Can Totally Take Grenada -- Again"?

(Oh, goodness, Elena Grushina of the Ukraine is wearing pasties. And . . . what was that? WHAT WAS THAT? I just saw Olympic pole dancing. That breeze coming over the border from France is Pierre de Coubertin, spinning in his grave.)

By the way, what did that slacker Benni Raich have to say about his great good fortune?

"I am speechless, overjoyed. This makes me extremely happy. The Olympic victory was my greatest goal."

Oh. So that's what a gold medal-winning skier sounds like. Good to know.

MARIE REINE'S DAY: Offered Bouillabaisse to Russian skating federation in return for putting French ice dancers Isabelle Delobel and Olivier Schoenfelder on the medal stand. Russians deleted her e-mail, unopened.

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Are you kidding me? See above.

-- Tracee Hamilton