ASK AMY

Thursday, March 2, 2006

Dear Amy:

I am a 41-year-old woman who has been happily married for 10 years. My husband is my best friend.

The problem is that lately I feel like he is my only friend.

Although I consider myself shy, I never had any problem making and keeping friends when I was younger. It seems that as the years go by my old friendships have fizzled out (not from lack of attention on my part) and it's almost impossible to find new people that I have anything in common with.

I don't hang out with the younger singles, and I rarely meet a married woman my age without kids. I don't think that I am one of those overly needy people that scare others away, nor am I boring.

My husband and I have only a few "couple" friends that we socialize with, and most of them were his friends when we met.

I don't necessarily want to be "Ms. Popularity." I would just like one or two friends who have time to return a phone call or go out for a drink.

I am working as an independent contractor, so I can't even make friends at work!

Is something wrong with me or is it just my situation?

Please help me out?

Friendless in Virginia

Sister, I know exactly what you are talking about; you are not alone.

I shared your letter with Marla Paul, author of "The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making and Keeping Friends When You're Not a Kid Anymore" (Rodale, 2004).

Paul says: "There are lots of women in your situation who are also looking for pals. The trick is to find them. Consider finding friends at your new job.

"Follow your passions and interests at a class, a club, a career organization or a women's discussion group. You'll get to know people faster if it meets once a week. You could also start a group for women in your field.

"Be open to friendships with older women. They're not encumbered by kids and have more time for relationships. Try more than one group and keep showing up, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Work on projects and committees with people and get to know them."

I would add that when you are looking for activities, make sure that they are participatory. Attending a lecture or class won't be as conducive to meeting others as a discussion group, arts club or athletic group would be.

Dear Amy:

As parents of two high school children, we are doing intensive college research.

We've been to a couple of seminars dealing with the basics but would also like to get advice from family and friends.

In terms of the financial part, we are a little leery to ask family and friends how they financed college.

Do you think asking people how they put their kids through college is getting too personal? How would you ask?

College Parents-to-Be

No, you shouldn't ask people how they finance their lifestyle, but you can ask friends and family for advice by saying, "We're really struggling trying to figure out how to finance this trip into debt-ville. Do you have any suggestions or strategies that you think we should research?"

Dear Amy:

Your response to "Tired of Rude Customers," the complaining waitress, was too sympathetic.

She complains that her customers do not understand her problems.

Whenever I hear that complaint, I recall my mother, who had been a telephone operator, repeating the phone company's constant reminder to its employees: "The customer is not interested in your problems."

Everyone who deals with the public should have that simple message chiseled in their brain. Customers have their own problems, and because they are paying the bill, their problems take precedence.

Henry in Maryland

I like your point, but the "polite" door swings both ways, right?

2006by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.