Saturday, March 4, 2006

Colbert's Harsh Truth for Stewart

One more Oscar night prediction: Jon Stewart is "going to fail" as awards show host.

Yup, that's the bald assertion of Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report," appearing on ABC's "This Week" tomorrow morning. Care to amplify?

"Look, Jon's an old friend, he's an executive producer of [Colbert's] show and in many ways I owe my career to him, so I feel very comfortable saying that he will fail," Colbert says, according to a transcript of the segment.

He also offers this advice: "Don't look Russell Crowe in the eye. He sees it as a challenge," and "Just get a little drunk, happy drunk . . . and bring some hand sanitizer because everyone who comes up to get their Oscar wants to shake your hand, and you don't know where those stars have been."

She's no bunny, honey.

"Into the Blue" star Jessica Alba is demanding that Playboy stop distributing its March issue, asserting that she didn't want to be on the cover and is portrayed as being naked or semi-naked inside the magazine.

Doth she protest too much? With more than 3 million copies having landed weeks ago in the vestibules and newsstands of America?

"I'm simply protecting my personal rights," the actress said in a statement. "I hope that they will think twice before they try to do this to someone else."

Alba's lawyers contend that the promotional picture of the 24-year-old used on the cover (next to the title "25 Sexiest Celebrities" ) was obtained without the consent of Alba or Sony Pictures, which owns the image. A Playboy spokeswoman said in a statement yesterday that 1) there is plenty of precedent for celebs on the cover and clothed inside and 2) the studio provided the photo "without restriction."

Several members of President Bush's camp took quite a beating from unsanitary objects yesterday during a tour of India. And White House counselor Dan Bartlett received the worst of it.

Bartlett's day got off to a dazzling start when dripping transmission fluid from a helicopter found its way onto his shirt, leaving oh-so-chic brown spots on his clothes all morning. "I've had better days," he told reporters before watching the president pose with fruit and observe basketmaking in the 90-degree heat.

At the next stop, Bartlett, Scott McClellan and other aides arrived early and waited near the helipad for their boss to arrive. When Marine One landed, it kicked up a dust storm complete with small pellets -- not that kind of pellets -- that flew through the air and reduced visibility to almost nothing. A Secret Service agent tried to protect Bartlett behind a van, while McClellan and staff secretary Brett Kavanaugh were left to fend for themselves.

But 20 minutes later, things were looking up for Bartlett. He appeared at the India Business School in a fresh, clean, white shirt, courtesy of the president. What a guy, that prez. "Hell of a day so far," Bartlett said.

The president remained relatively unscathed during the day, save for a licking from a water buffalo during a photo op. Eww.

· Coldplay fans turned out en masse in Washington on Thursday night to send birthday wishes to the band's curly mopped frontman, Chris Martin . Nearly 2,000 posters emblazoned with the message, "Happy Birthday Chris!" were raised during the concert's encore at MCI Center, The Washington Post's J. Freedom du Lac reports. A stunned Martin, whose voice was frayed because of a confessed tequila binge the night before, took in the message and bowed to the crowd.

· Anna Nicole Smith blew through town this week for a little ($88 million) cameo at the Supreme Court and left in her wake . . . a cocktail. "Check Your Briefs" is the latest current events-inspired martini of the week from the Georgetown Ritz-Carlton's bar, Degrees. And yes, it's a dirty martini.

-- Korin Miller