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Moms at War: Attacking Each Other, and Themselves
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Right before lunch today (aka a quick hop to the cafeteria to get ice for my SlimFast), I ran into another working mom in the hallway and spent 10 precious minutes commiserating by the water fountain. The conversation went like this:
"How are you?"
"Well, I was up at 3 a.m., nursing the baby and writing a PowerPoint presentation for the VP group that I have to give in 15 minutes. How are you?"
"Oh yeah, no sleep here either. Last night Morgan kicked me all night, Tallie peed on me, and when I woke up at 5 a.m., Perry wanted to have sex."
Conversations like this sustain me for days. Working moms understand me in ways at-home moms -- even my own mom and close friends -- never will.
I have to work. I wouldn't be myself if I didn't. My job (most days) makes me feel energized, important, successful -- a happy mom to my kids.
What puzzles me is that despite the fact that I've crafted a pretty ideal work/family situation, at times I'm still envious of the trust stay-at-home moms seem to have in their husbands and in life, a breezy Carol Brady confidence that they will always be taken care of. Some days I'd kill for a dose of their faith that neither my husband nor life will leave me stranded, destitute, unable to protect myself and my children without the independence conferred by a job and paycheck of my own.
* * *
So I'm back where I started. How can some moms stay home? Why is it that others, like me, so clearly cannot? Do we all fight our private battles about which to choose? Does that explain why we're so catty and envious of women who've made different choices?
Most of the debate in the United States about the benefits of working vs. stay-at-home motherhood has been taken over by "experts": advertising executives, academics and politicians. Many of them aren't women. Some aren't even parents. The most authoritative (and fascinating) answers come from moms themselves.
We all need other moms regardless of our personal decisions about working or staying home. There are no easy answers, but sharing our struggles helps. On good days I no longer feel alone in my quest to balance work and family. There are millions of women in America keeping me company as I fight my internal mommy war, and very good company they are.
Adapted from "Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families," an anthology edited by Leslie Morgan Steiner. Copyright 2006. Printed by permission of Random House.
