This Week's Contest
Week 653: It's the Eponymy, Stupid
Whittingtune, n., v.: A victim's apology for being the source of distress to the victimizer. "My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through this past week," he Whittingtuned upon leaving the hospital.
We're delving way, way back into the Invitational Archives to repeat -- and, we hope, update -- the eponym contest from Week 27: Coin a word or expression based on the name of a well-known person, define it, and perhaps use it in a sentence. Note: Receiving three blots of ink on Sept. 26, 1993, including first runner-up, was Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, who had already achieved such a degree of Invitational fame that two eponymous terms were printed about him (Chucksmith: a collector of T-shirts; Chuck: the Loser T-shirt itself: "The Chuck's in the mail"). Now that he is spattered with 712 blots, we invite him to Chuck us a few more. You, too, of course.
Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a Flying Spaghetti Monster car plaque, donated by Kevin Dopart of Washington, which would look very cool stuck to someone's trunk right next to a few Loser Magnets. (The plaque would, that is; not Kevin or Washington.)
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail email@example.com by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 20. Include "Week 653" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills.
Report From Week 649
In which we asked for lyrics set to the folk song "Shenandoah" that were actually relevant to Virginia, which recently began using it as the state song: Somehow we don't think the state legislature will start singing along with these, but we did find an out-of-state ringer: Aspiring Loser David Schildkret just happen s to run the choral program at the appropriately far-from-Virginia Arizona State University, and he agreed to coerce his talented Concert Choir to sing several of this week's entries in absolute deadpan solemnity. You can hear them at www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational . (Meanwhile, David has conveniently left the country.)
3 O Shenandoah, I found religion
In the land of Pat and Jerry.
No hurricanes will thunder near me.
I pray. They blow away
And head toward Venezuela.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
2 The winner of the squished promotional T-shirt you can write "Lose" on:
Oh, Charlottesville, admit my daughter.
I can't pay for Yale or Princeton.
Oh, Charlottesville, please give my daughter
The cachet of U-V-A:
I need in-state tuition.
(Barbara Sarshik, McLean)
1 And the winner of the Inker
Oh, Monticello, we long to hear who
Looked away from hanky-panky
Oh Monticello, what's wrong, we fear you
Looked away. We've found today
A source hereditary.
A white man loved a dark-skinned maiden
(Look away from hanky-panky).
His notions with taboo were laden.
Away, he was bound to stray,
When Tom espied Miss Hemings.
For seven years he courted Sally
(Look away from hanky-panky).
Seven more years they'd often dally,
In the hay, we found, they lay,
Tom and his own Miss Hemings.
Farewell to Tom,
He's bound to leave us,
But evidence will not deceive us:
DNA was found today:
To Tom is tied Miss Hemings.
(Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii, formerly of Fairfax County)